Civil Servant in Romance Fantasy
chapter-136

༺ Capybara in the Water (1) ༻

I headed straight for the dorm as soon as I returned to the academy from the Capital. Once there, I automatically lay down on the bed, feeling so numb. This was the first time I’ve felt so unwilling to move.

It felt like I found out something I shouldn’t have. There was no turning back now. Maybe I could have remained ignorant before I knew the truth, but I couldn’t go back to the way things were now that I knew.

“When taking additional wives, a man can’t marry someone of higher status than his first wife.”

That was what Irina said at oppa’s mansion. That simple sentence stuck in my mind like a thorn. I somehow couldn’t forget it, and I couldn’t just let it go.

I never knew it was possible to have multiple wives. Father had only one wife, my mother, and the other noble families we interacted with were the same. So, I thought having one wife was a common practice. I lived in that kind of world.

But on further thought, all those families were of lower nobility than barons. As someone from Naird, a baronial family, we didn’t interact with the higher nobility such as counts or higher. How could I know how the higher nobles structured their families?

“Oppa will soon be an Imperial Count, and his future position as a Minister is almost assured. It’s not strange for him to have multiple wives.”

Oppa was destined to be an Imperial Count directly under the Emperor and even become a Minister soon, given his age.

It wasn’t strange for a man of such high status and position to have multiple wives. Hearing that, I almost burst into tears.

I thought it was too late. After seeing how close oppa had become to Senior, I realized my feelings for him and thought I had no chance. Even if I had realized sooner, I believed I couldn’t compete with Senior, who had fallen for him first.

If that were the case, then I should have never known. If I had never known about my feelings for oppa, I wouldn’t have had to suffer so much. I cried so much inside in that moment.

‘It’s not too late.’

Having multiple wives wasn’t an uncommon thing among the nobility. There were even rules for the first wife, so it must be a common practice. Then, then maybe I…

When I placed my hand on my chest, it felt like my heart was racing more wildly than usual. I would inherit a title, too. It might not be as high as oppa’s or Senior’s, but I could become one of the titled nobles. In that case, I wouldn’t be lacking to become the wife of an Imperial Count.

Just in case Irina was mistaken, I even contacted Father, who held a noble title, to confirm. He should know for sure.

— That’s right. The world of higher nobility is complex, and so are their marriages.

It was confirmed. Irina, a young countess, and father both shared the same opinion. With such cross-verification, it couldn’t be wrong.

“Father.”

— What’s the matter?

“Um, what do you think about having multiple wives?”

Father seemed puzzled by the sudden question, but he still answered.

He said there must be a good reason if a nobleman had to marry again, and that taking a new wife required the consent of the existing wives. He also said that it wasn’t something for outsiders to worry about.

— So don’t think too strangely about it.

“Ah, yes.”

Luckily, Father didn’t seem opposed to the idea of having multiple wives. Still, I didn’t mention that I wanted to be one of them.

After all, Father had advised me not to think too strangely about it. He said there must be good reasons. He would understand. He would surely understand.

So, I shouldn’t hesitate. I nearly missed my chance with oppa because I couldn’t be honest. Now that I’ve been miraculously given another opportunity, I can’t let it slip away.

I need to be brave to be with oppa. But first—

‘The consent of the existing wives.’

Not only did I need oppa’s love, but also Senior’s consent.

I rummaged through my past memories. Had I ever been disrespectful to Senior or made her dislike me?

‘…Have I?’

There was that one time I got scolded by her, but there weren’t any major incidents aside from that. In fact, we had a relatively uneventful relationship as senior and junior.

However, this was my perspective. She might secretly harbor resentment towards me.

My heart started to flutter in a different way than before. If I couldn’t earn oppa’s love because I wasn’t good enough, then that was one thing. But I might just cry myself to exhaustion if I couldn’t become his wife because of Senior’s opposition.

‘I can’t make her dislike me.’

I must not be disliked at any cost. If I focus only on winning oppa’s love and ended up being disliked by Senior, it won’t just end with me falling apart. They might even end up in a conflict.

‘I need to keep quiet for a while.’

While it was true that oppa and Senior have become closer, the problem was they haven’t formalized their relationship with an engagement yet.

There was a difference between being the first and the first to be officially recognized. If I show affection to oppa before they’re engaged, I might face Senior’s wrath. She might think I’m trying to steal her place.

“You sneaky cat!”

I couldn’t help but break out in a cold sweat at the thought of Senior grabbing me by the hair and shaking me mercilessly.

Truthfully, I don’t want to stay quiet. I feel envious every time I see oppa and Senior getting along well. I wanted to love oppa like Senior did. I also wanted to be loved by him.

But if I acted on my feelings before Senior became his official fiancée, I wouldn’t receive love but something else entirely. So, I had to be patient. Rushing things could lead to a disaster.

“I wish they would get engaged soon.”

I wished for it so earnestly that it slipped out unintentionally.

Honestly, it seemed like it might happen soon. Maybe within this year? Surely they won’t wait until after Senior graduated, right?

I had no future if I incurred Senior’s wrath, so I have to restrain my feelings towards oppa for a while. However, that didn’t mean I should just do nothing.

In fact, there was something I needed to quickly do before I could show oppa my feelings.

‘I can’t delay it any longer.’

I had been hiding behind my past and using my trauma as an excuse to pretend not to notice my fellow members’ affections.

It was a cowardly and foolish thing to do. What was even more cowardly was that I developed feelings for someone else while doing it.

I had sworn to treat everyone fairly without picking favorites, but that promise had crumbled. Treating my fellow members the same way as before in this situation would be a great discourtesy to them. I couldn’t afford to make it any worse.

My heart already belonged elsewhere; neglecting my fellow members’ feelings any longer was a despicable act.

So, I waited until the start of the semester. I waited for the club time, where everyone would naturally gather.

Thankfully, or maybe due to Enen’s help, oppa was also absent from the club room.

“Louise, is something wrong?”

“You look a bit gloomy.”

I was relieved that oppa wasn’t there, but I also felt guilty. I had been ignoring these kids who cared about me, and now I had to push them away.

‘I’m sorry.’

I’m really sorry.

Now, I must tell them everything. That I intentionally ignored their kindness, that I knew but turned a blind eye, and that I was sorry for only saying this now.

I even had to say that I wasn’t worthy of their feelings.

It was already late for me to be saying this, but not saying it at all would be disrespectful to them…

‘Respect?’

Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with self-loathing. Did I even have the right to speak of respect? It sounded as if I was considering the club members’ feelings, as if I was doing this for them.

No. I wasn’t doing this for them at all. I was just doing it because I couldn’t be at peace. If I hadn’t realized my feelings for oppa, I might have kept my mouth shut forever.

I’ve been pretending to be considerate in such a brazen manner. I really was a cowardly and selfish person until the end.

My head drooped helplessly. I couldn’t bring myself to look the club members in the eye.

“Lady Louise.”

Ainter’s voice seemed to scold me, making my body tremble. It was quite something for me, a baron’s daughter, to be rebuked by a prince.

“Please speak comfortably.”

However, Ainter’s words were far from a scolding.

“I don’t know what’s on your mind, or what you want to say. Unfortunately, I don’t have the ability to read minds.”

With a small laugh, Ainter continued. His tone was warm, as if trying to reassure me.

“That said, I am curious to hear what Lady Louise wants to say. I’m ready to listen to anything you have to say.”

Upon hearing this, I cautiously raised my head and saw Ainter smiling at me.

“Your Highness, you’e not a very good speaker.”

“You’ve already said what I was going to say.”

“Haha. Brother Ainter isn’t much of a talker, is he? Well, they say that practice makes perfect.”

“Erich, why are you being so quiet?”

“Because I’m an Imperial, unlike you.”

The conversation behind Ainter inadvertently made me smile.

They were obviously exaggerating to lighten my mood. It was so obvious. Even a play wouldn’t have such dialogue.

“Um…”

But after seeing them like that, I couldn’t hesitate anymore.

“I have something to say.”

Saying this might turn their kindness into resentment. It could even lead to the collapse of the club.

“I’ve actually known all along, but pretended not to.”

Still, I had to say it, just like I did with oppa.

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