Civil Servant in Romance Fantasy
chapter-222

When Carl slid the ring onto my finger, it felt as if the whole world was within my grasp. Selfishly, I allowed myself to feel that way.

How pathetic. I was a person who hadn't even noticed Carl's wounds and only saw what needed to be seen now. What right did I have to feel such joy?

It seemed like my guilt was so light that it could be erased by a single ring.

It’s not just any ring, though.

I almost laughed bitterly. Yes, it wasn’t just any ring. It was a ring from Carl, and it couldn’t be dismissed as insignificant.

However, now was not the time to receive it happily.

"...No, Carl. This doesn’t seem right."

After much hesitation, I removed the ring. My heart felt as if it was being torn apart.

The ring I had longed for more than anything, the one that would have made me jump for joy if I had received it yesterday, now felt like a shackle of reproach.

Maybe I was being overly dramatic. Perhaps I was just consumed by meaningless guilt and was now hurting Carl, who mustered up his courage.

But how could I accept it? If I had any sense of shame, how could I accept this?

"I... I don't deserve this."

I handed the ring back to Carl with trembling hands. He looked dazed, as if he hadn’t anticipated this outcome.

"I was just lucky. That's all there is to it."

Lucky. The more I listened to Carl’s story, the more this thought wouldn't leave my mind.

Carl, who had such a painfully tragic first love, was not ready to receive anyone and no one could approach him.

Yet, I did. How? Through my father’s influence. Even Carl wouldn't be able to refuse a request from Father.

I approached the wounded Carl using the power of a duke. Despite this, Carl politely pushed me away. Unaware of the circumstances, I cried, feeling rejected by a man who dared to turn me down.

I’m so pathetic.

I cried and wailed. Although it was already a shameful incident, it now held a different kind of embarrassment. I had provoked a man's wounds and only cared about my own pain.

Meeting Carl at the academy after that was even worse. I thought it was fate that we met there and that Carl and I were meant to be. I felt happy, oblivious to the wounds Carl carried.

Believing it to be a part of destiny, I actively approached Carl, acting as if I were already his lover. In reality, I was nothing of the sort.

You selfish bitch.

These were harsh words I had never spoken to anyone. Perhaps I saved them for myself just for this moment.

I approached Carl, knowing nothing. Using my ignorance as a shield, I ruthlessly inflicted pain on the kind Carl.

As if I knew everything...

When I heard Carl's feelings during the vacations, I thought I had finally understood everything about him. I believed that Carl had completely opened his heart to me.

So, I became arrogant and thought I could wait for Carl forever and that it was only a matter of time before he came to me.

But in truth, I still knew nothing. I only heard that Carl had lost his first love, but not the extent of the anguish he endured.

Had I known, I wouldn't have acted that way. I wouldn’t have boasted about being the first or been jealous of any woman approaching Carl.

"I... I relied on Carl's kindness and pushed my way in. I was just a fool who approached you without understanding anything... I was the first simply because I was lucky, and that's why I could stay by Carl's side..."

It was humiliating. My tears wouldn't even stop falling. Speaking about my own ugliness aloud made me feel like I was going mad.

What drove me even crazier was knowing that I had no right to cry. How ridiculous and disgusting must I have seemed to Carl? I clung to him and wanted to be his wife, and yet I was indifferent to his wounds and only cared about being his first wife.

"I love you, Carl. Even if the world crumbles, that won't change."

I forced a smile as I continued.

Yes. Despite my unworthiness, my love for Carl remained unchanged. Even through my ignorance, I knew that I loved him.

"But just loving you doesn't give me the right to claim your first..."

I wasn’t the only one who loved Carl. There was Lady Louise, Lady Irina, the Mage Duchess, and even a subordinate who confessed to Carl. There might be others I didn't even know about.

Did I deserve to be the first wife over those people? Was there anything about me that was better than them?

Status? Then it should be the Mage Duchess, not me.

Based on the time spent together? Then no one could beat his subordinate.

Oh, there was indeed one thing. Pretending to know nothing and tearing Carl’s heart apart? I was the best at that.

"So... please give it to someone better than me. Carl, you're kind, and you’re giving this to me out of pity because I've been whining. Don't let me misunderstand your intentions."

Yes, Carl was so compassionate that he would even comfort someone who clung to him pathetically. He was saving me because, at this point, no one else would take me.

"...Is that so?"

Carl sighed and then took the ring from my palm.

I shouldn’t cry. This was my own doing. It was only right. Someone who truly understood Carl should have it instead of a selfish girl like me who lived in a sheltered world.

"Excuse me."

Then, Carl raised his right hand and flicked my forehead.

"Ouch!"

The impact came as quickly as when he had put the ring on me; the sudden push made me cry out in surprise.

"Excuse me for interrupting your strange talk."

"S-strange talk..."

I mustered up my courage to say all that, and yet he just dismissed it as strange...

"Why do you get to decide whether you’re deserving or not, Mar?"

I couldn't speak after being faced with Carl's stern expression. It was the first time I had seen him angry.

"Since you spoke your mind, I’ll speak mine."

Seeing me fidget, Carl sighed again and quickly continued.

"Honestly, Mar, you are strange."

His words pierced my heart like a dagger. I knew I had just called myself a selfish bitch, but hearing the word 'strange' from someone I loved was unbearable.

"You act confident, but you're actually vulnerable. You also overthink things and sometimes freak out over nothing."

My head drooped lower as he continued. So that was how he saw me. It hurt even more because he wasn’t exactly wrong.

"But despite all that, I like you."

My head shot up. Carl cupped my cheeks, forcing me to look at him.

"I like everything I’ve seen and known about you."

"C-Carl..."

I tried to look away, but Carl held my face firmly.

"You don’t deserve it? Is there any other qualification needed besides the fact that I like you?"

"T-that's because you’re just mistaken..."

"No, I’m not."

It was really weird. Despite the situation, my heart pounded when Carl said he liked me.

"I'm still immature, so I show what I like and dislike very clearly."

Carl spoke in a slightly calmer tone than before.

"So if I dislike something, no matter how useful it is, I push it away. It even makes my skin crawl to be near it."

On the other hand, if I like something, I hold onto it even if it tries to run away.

His softly added words made my whole body tremble.

"So, I'll pretend I didn't hear what you said earlier."

Carl, after holding my gaze for a long while, gently moved away and lifted the ring.

"Actually, this is a couple's ring."

Carl said this and then, using his fingernail, split the ring neatly in two.

"It’s unique, right? A couple's ring made from just one piece. Doesn't it feel more unified this way?"

He chuckled softly and slid the ring back onto my finger.

...This time, he didn’t let go of my hand as if to ensure that I wouldn’t remove it again.

"Mar, you didn’t approach me without knowing anything. You didn’t hurt me."

Then, with his other hand, he slowly reached for my forehead.

"In fact, you have no idea how much comfort I found in you liking me. I once thought that I was a worthless person whom no one could rely on."

His hand brushed my bangs aside.

"If you can't believe in yourself, then please believe in me. Because I think there’s no one more deserving than you."

Then, I felt the touch of his lips on my forehead.

"Understand?"

Dazed, I could only nod.

***Not long after nodding, Marghetta fell backwards.

She fainted. She was already emotionally exhausted, but she was scolded and even suddenly kissed on the forehead; it must’ve been too much for her to handle.

...Still, judging by her expression, she seemed to be happy, which was a relief.

That went well.

I covered the softly breathing Marghetta with a blanket and sighed quietly.

Thank goodness. If I hadn't resolved today’s issue, our relationship would have been doomed. Even with my terrible dating experience, I could tell that much.

I didn't realize that it was this bad.

I gently stroked Marghetta’s hair. I didn’t know that she was struggling with far more guilt than I had imagined.

In a way, it might seem like an overreaction. However, I could understand Marghetta’s perspective. The intrusion of the Mage Duchess destabilized her position, and her beloved man visited his first love’s grave. She was probably also frustrated that he wasn’t by her side.

One issue alone would be troublesome, but having them pile up like that must have shattered Marghetta's mental state. The worst of them would’ve probably been the feeling of not being able to support me. The moment she felt that, she was bound to break.

Because I felt the same way.

There was no more painful feeling than that. It was embarrassing to think that I knew how that felt, but I ended up doing the same thing to her.

I stroked her hair even more tenderly, apologizing deep inside my heart. For a woman to say that she wasn’t worthy and to wish for a better woman to take her place meant that she must have been in a dire situation.

I knew Marghetta was secretly fragile even though she seemed confident, but this much—

It's my fault.

Let’s not blame it on anything else. I said that I would open up to her but only shared half of myself. That was my fault.

I looked at the half-ring on my hand as I continued stroking her hair.

Should I put it back together?

I seriously considered it. The poor ring was split in half.

A couple’s ring made from one piece? Where in the world did that come from? This was just one ring.

I should have bought an actual couple's ring.

Maybe my brain has deteriorated from not being used enough. I just bought a ring, not a couple's ring.

Realizing that too late, I split it in half. I wondered if it would hold up as a magic ring, but thankfully, it split easily when I used mana.

...At least she liked it.

When I put it back on her finger the second time, Marghetta’s face clearly showed a mix of emotion and happiness.

So yes, this was indeed a couple’s ring made from one piece.

Let's think of it that way from today onwards.