Don’t Concern Yourself With That Book
chapter-204

Chapter 204

Translator: yun

“You’re not the only one who has gone through multiple deaths. I had once too. A horribly long time ago, way before I met you.”

My regressions. Castor remembered all my 40 deaths.

What was he talking about? Did I go insane after all my memories had rushed back to me? The melody which had been crescendoing in the background never managed to reach the climax. Perhaps it was because my screams were drowning everything else out.

“Didn’t you just say that there is a world that only you and I know?”

He told me that he had lived in the same hell with me before confessing that he was the one who dropped me into that same hell. Then, he whispered to me softly as if he was telling me a secret.

“Do you know why you got stuck in that time loop?”

His quiet voice suited the silent space we were both in. Slowly looking up, I noticed Castor staring at me with the sword now in his hands again.

“Are you saying that you know why?”

He might have picked up the sword but he wasn’t doing anything with it. The man who had collapsed by Castor’s feet seemed to be twitching and convulsing.

“I do.”

Our surroundings were dark so I could only see his silhouette. In the pitch-black darkness, Castor’s figure melted into the shadows of the building. I forced myself to speak.

“Do you really know the reason why I was stuck in the time loop…?”

“…..”

Maintaining eye contact with Castor, my hand fumbled across the wall to find what I needed.

“Aren’t you curious?”

“Who knows if you’re lying?”

I spoke softly but my hands were still fumbling against the wall behind me. After checking a few more bricks, I heard something clattering. As I pushed the loose brick back to reveal an empty cavity behind it, I fished out what I needed. What my fingertips brushed against felt like leather. It fit right into my fingers but there was still a roughness to it.

“You think I’d lie…. I’ve never lied to you before.”

Shaking the sword in his hand, Castor spoke calmly. Even in the still darkness, his eyes remained as bright as ever as his gaze shifted. At his meaningless movements, my body trembled. What was he thinking? Castor glanced at the collapsed man. Would an unknown soldier who had just been faithful to his duty die at the crazy whims of a future tyrant?

Before I knew it, I was already biting my lips.

“I can also tell you why I killed you.”

The songs of dance played by the bands in the square and the sound of people singing along could be heard in the distance as well. The tempo of the song slowly accelerated. The music would probably go on for the rest of the night. The most splendid, joyous festival was right in front of me but it felt like I was getting swallowed up by the shadows.

“The reason why you killed me…”

“That’s right.”

Did he meet Rusbella today? I hoped he did. I hoped that he had met the female lead from the original novel who would try to save him and I hoped that he would fall in love with her like he was supposed to. Then when the female lead assured him that whatever he did in the past was not his fault, would I be considered one of the many sins he had committed? Was I connected to the original novel? I wasn’t sure if it would continue like it was supposed to. I had no clue.

I slowly looked around the place which had been depicted in one of the scenes in the original novel. Even without looking at myself, I knew what expression I had on my face.

In the empty clock tower, a beautiful woman appeared. And the man, who had been reminiscing his loved one whilst staring at the heart of the festival, looked up. The lonely man’s eyes captured the woman in his gaze. The woman smiled like a twinkling star. She then introduced herself.

[I am Rusbella.]

That was the scene where they first met and left a lasting impression on each other. Their first meeting seemed so mundane yet so beautiful. Was it because it had been a meeting between two beautiful people? I wondered how their meeting went. I didn’t know. Because I didn’t get to see it.

“The Crown Prince killed him!”

The Crown Prince, who had been pinned to be the culprit of the murder in the original novel, said nothing at the scene of the crime. No one objected when he was accused to be the murderer. His reputation had already been dragged through the mud, so instead of killing everyone else in the banquet hall, he left because of his terrible boredom. And he then arrived at the spot where he would meet the female lead, Rusbella. The beautiful woman who did not recognise the Crown prince then said.

[You didn’t do anything wrong.]

Those words were the female lead’s privilege.

“Put down your sword.”

I raised my head. All he was wearing was a toga but it felt as if I was staring at a godly figure that had been drawn on a wall as a mural. His glimmering eyes looked up at me. He looked so beautiful I wondered if this was how he managed to make all those women fall for him.

It was funny. If Castor didn’t do anything wrong, then what did the victims he had trampled on do wrong?

Since his appearance in the novel, Castor had been a tyrant. In the <Light of Rusbella>, he was a tyrant who killed people, someone who played with lives, did all sorts of crazy things and terrified countless people. But no one wondered how he came to be a tyrant. Even the female lead had never been curious about his situation.

“You weren’t like this before!”

I recalled Granius’ words from a long time ago. The fact that he had been different in the past.

“Castor.”

Had he once been a boy who had dreams and fantasies about his future? A ticklish sensation tingled down the back of my neck. The hair I was pushing out of my face seemed to be a mess right now. I opened my closed eyes as I leaned back. In fact, I had been so surprised and exhausted that I could barely support my back against the cool wall behind me.

“I had been curious once. The reason why you killed me, forced me to submit and made my life such a mess.”

I mumbled.

“You had to have a reason. If not, I would’ve gone insane.”

I glanced at the collapsed man. My gaze then shifted from the man before returning to Castor who stood over him like an old tree. Fear at the sight of the man standing in the darkness paralysed me as he exuded an indelible presence. He was my living nightmare. What kind of life did he live during the time no one knew anything about?

“By the way.’

Alright, if there had been a reason why he had been a tyrant, if he even had a reason… No, even if he had a reason why he had no choice but to become one.

“Does anything change if you have a reason? It won’t change the times you’ve killed me.”

I murmured with a voice I’ve never heard come out from me before.

“So, I’ve decided to hate you.”

Tears streamed down my face.

“Even though I’m alive.’

My eyes crossed.

“You’re the murderer who killed me.”

I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t curious as to why he was the way he was. In fact, even now, I still wanted to ask him. Why did he kill me? What was this power exactly? What did he know? If I could, numerous questions would be pouring out of me. But I didn’t do that. Instead, I kept looking around. The unknown man who had collapsed on the floor and was still convulsing to this point and Castor. The rusty bell hanging above us that looked like the gaping jaws of a beast and the empty night sky with no more fireworks. The beautiful night sky was filled with falling stars. And the silver moon that poured cold light down on us permeated my chest.

I could see the moonlight. I slowly raised my hand.

I would never be pulled by his whims again. No, I didn’t want to do that anymore.

“You’re doing something interesting.”

As I brought what I had been holding to my neck, his eyes widened. I slowly laughed.

“What if I were to die in front of you now?”

Castor spoke quietly.

“… I’m sure you know that returning to the past now would be meaningless?”

“So?”

He didn’t know that I had learned to recognise a lot of his reactions now. At least I thought so. I pressed the dagger onto my neck. I pretended as if I was about to speak before slicing my neck.

Clatter.

But as if I had lost control over my hand, my hand froze. Castor, who had turned completely away from the man, was now looking at me with a terrifying gaze I had never seen before. I could see the golden colour of his eyes in clarity. I asked him what he was doing with my gaze as he smiled calmly in response.

“Ah. So, my life is worth trading with yours.”

I looked at my frozen hand before speaking. A thick golden haze was swirling around him like a mist. Was there a reason why he couldn’t let me die? Or was it because it bothered him? It didn’t matter either way. I was going to die but he stopped me.

“I’m not interesting. You, who treat lives like they’re some plaything, and me, who is bringing a knife to my neck.”

I glared at him.

“You’d better not even think about having fun using that man’s life.”

“Ashley.”

“Stop talking about the trivial truths.”

I raised the corners of my lips and laughed.

“You did say you already knew about my regressions so I’ll say this.”

Castor asked if I had been curious about the truth. If I asked him to tell me, I knew he would smile happily and try to use it against me like a weapon. Because that was what he had been doing all this time. I held my hands tightly.

“If I die here, I’ll return to a month ago. And I’ll come back and save that man.”

“If you fail?”

I smiled at his low voice. It sounded as if he was trying to warn me. Even though I was afraid, I overcame it. The only thing that scared me was what had happened in the past.

“I’m going to die again.”

I smiled for a moment before saying.

“In front of you.”

I was not playing with him anymore.

“So, if you don’t want to see me die, put down your sword.”

“Are you going to give up your life for one soldier?”

“Yeah. I am no longer going to do as you please.”

Logically, it would have been better to submit to Castor and hear the truth. I knew that. But I guess I never became an adult. Would it be more interesting if I die? My numerous deaths and my hatred towards him had made me a child who couldn’t handle matters maturely. I could bend over right away and become a doll that just leaned on him for support. If I just pretended to be an idiot and smiled softly, everything might be fine.

But, I could only laugh. What was the point of living like that?

Was there any value in the truth that Castor was telling me? Instead of living after hearing the truth from him, I would rather stand on my own than walk into his hands myself. Even if the path I would end up walking on was so thorny that they would break my legs or bleed them out.

“There’s nothing you can do even if you go back to the past.”

He whispered sweetly to me as if I was some child. It was funny. I had no choice but to grimace at how my insides twisted at his voice.

“It’ll be enough for me as long as I don’t get to see your face right now. As long as I don’t get to hear your voice.”

I spat it out.

“Because that’ll be utter heaven.”

I thought he would have thought of it as just some meaningless threat. But I wondered why he looked so ruined. I laughed slowly at the face I had never seen before.

“It’ll be meaningless.”

“Alright. You can say that what I’m doing is meaningless.”

If I were to draw a trajectory of how my past was, the graph would just plummet. And what was waiting at the end would just be a pool of blood. I seemed to have returned to the 10th Day of the Month of Habermia. There were countless bodies in front of me, including my maids.

“What do I mean to you?’

Why was he looking for that answer? The dagger I was now pointing at my neck was the same one in the original novel. Castor had hid it for some reason until Rusbella discovered it a long time later. The dagger that would later stab Castor would was now pointed at my neck.

The dagger was in the same spot as what was written in the original novel. Rubella must have come here. She had to. As if I had been chewing sand this whole time, the voice that burst out of me was filled with a fiery passion.

“I will decide the meaning of my life. I don’t need anything you give me. I’ll discover the truth. You should just disappear from my life.”

“You’re not the only one who has gone through multiple deaths. I had once too. A horribly long time ago, way before I met you.”

My regressions. Castor remembered all my 40 deaths.

What was he talking about? Did I go insane after all my memories had rushed back to me? The melody which had been crescendoing in the background never managed to reach the climax. Perhaps it was because my screams were drowning everything else out.

“Didn’t you just say that there is a world that only you and I know?”

He told me that he had lived in the same hell with me before confessing that he was the one who dropped me into that same hell. Then, he whispered to me softly as if he was telling me a secret.

“Do you know why you got stuck in that time loop?”

His quiet voice suited the silent space we were both in. Slowly looking up, I noticed Castor staring at me with the sword now in his hands again.

“Are you saying that you know why?”

He might have picked up the sword but he wasn’t doing anything with it. The man who had collapsed by Castor’s feet seemed to be twitching and convulsing.

“I do.”

Our surroundings were dark so I could only see his silhouette. In the pitch-black darkness, Castor’s figure melted into the shadows of the building. I forced myself to speak.

“Do you really know the reason why I was stuck in the time loop…?”

“…..”

Maintaining eye contact with Castor, my hand fumbled across the wall to find what I needed.

“Aren’t you curious?”

“Who knows if you’re lying?”

I spoke softly but my hands were still fumbling against the wall behind me. After checking a few more bricks, I heard something clattering. As I pushed the loose brick back to reveal an empty cavity behind it, I fished out what I needed. What my fingertips brushed against felt like leather. It fit right into my fingers but there was still a roughness to it.

“You think I’d lie…. I’ve never lied to you before.”

Shaking the sword in his hand, Castor spoke calmly. Even in the still darkness, his eyes remained as bright as ever as his gaze shifted. At his meaningless movements, my body trembled. What was he thinking? Castor glanced at the collapsed man. Would an unknown soldier who had just been faithful to his duty die at the crazy whims of a future tyrant?

Before I knew it, I was already biting my lips.

“I can also tell you why I killed you.”

The songs of dance played by the bands in the square and the sound of people singing along could be heard in the distance as well. The tempo of the song slowly accelerated. The music would probably go on for the rest of the night. The most splendid, joyous festival was right in front of me but it felt like I was getting swallowed up by the shadows.

“The reason why you killed me…”

“That’s right.”

Did he meet Rusbella today? I hoped he did. I hoped that he had met the female lead from the original novel who would try to save him and I hoped that he would fall in love with her like he was supposed to. Then when the female lead assured him that whatever he did in the past was not his fault, would I be considered one of the many sins he had committed? Was I connected to the original novel? I wasn’t sure if it would continue like it was supposed to. I had no clue.

I slowly looked around the place which had been depicted in one of the scenes in the original novel. Even without looking at myself, I knew what expression I had on my face.

In the empty clock tower, a beautiful woman appeared. And the man, who had been reminiscing his loved one whilst staring at the heart of the festival, looked up. The lonely man’s eyes captured the woman in his gaze. The woman smiled like a twinkling star. She then introduced herself.

[I am Rusbella.]

That was the scene where they first met and left a lasting impression on each other. Their first meeting seemed so mundane yet so beautiful. Was it because it had been a meeting between two beautiful people? I wondered how their meeting went. I didn’t know. Because I didn’t get to see it.

“The Crown Prince killed him!”

The Crown Prince, who had been pinned to be the culprit of the murder in the original novel, said nothing at the scene of the crime. No one objected when he was accused to be the murderer. His reputation had already been dragged through the mud, so instead of killing everyone else in the banquet hall, he left because of his terrible boredom. And he then arrived at the spot where he would meet the female lead, Rusbella. The beautiful woman who did not recognise the Crown prince then said.

[You didn’t do anything wrong.]

Those words were the female lead’s privilege.

“Put down your sword.”

I raised my head. All he was wearing was a toga but it felt as if I was staring at a godly figure that had been drawn on a wall as a mural. His glimmering eyes looked up at me. He looked so beautiful I wondered if this was how he managed to make all those women fall for him.

It was funny. If Castor didn’t do anything wrong, then what did the victims he had trampled on do wrong?

Since his appearance in the novel, Castor had been a tyrant. In the <Light of Rusbella>, he was a tyrant who killed people, someone who played with lives, did all sorts of crazy things and terrified countless people. But no one wondered how he came to be a tyrant. Even the female lead had never been curious about his situation.

“You weren’t like this before!”

I recalled Granius’ words from a long time ago. The fact that he had been different in the past.

“Castor.”

Had he once been a boy who had dreams and fantasies about his future? A ticklish sensation tingled down the back of my neck. The hair I was pushing out of my face seemed to be a mess right now. I opened my closed eyes as I leaned back. In fact, I had been so surprised and exhausted that I could barely support my back against the cool wall behind me.

“I had been curious once. The reason why you killed me, forced me to submit and made my life such a mess.”

I mumbled.

“You had to have a reason. If not, I would’ve gone insane.”

I glanced at the collapsed man. My gaze then shifted from the man before returning to Castor who stood over him like an old tree. Fear at the sight of the man standing in the darkness paralysed me as he exuded an indelible presence. He was my living nightmare. What kind of life did he live during the time no one knew anything about?

“By the way.’

Alright, if there had been a reason why he had been a tyrant, if he even had a reason… No, even if he had a reason why he had no choice but to become one.

“Does anything change if you have a reason? It won’t change the times you’ve killed me.”

I murmured with a voice I’ve never heard come out from me before.

“So, I’ve decided to hate you.”

Tears streamed down my face.

“Even though I’m alive.’

My eyes crossed.

“You’re the murderer who killed me.”

I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t curious as to why he was the way he was. In fact, even now, I still wanted to ask him. Why did he kill me? What was this power exactly? What did he know? If I could, numerous questions would be pouring out of me. But I didn’t do that. Instead, I kept looking around. The unknown man who had collapsed on the floor and was still convulsing to this point and Castor. The rusty bell hanging above us that looked like the gaping jaws of a beast and the empty night sky with no more fireworks. The beautiful night sky was filled with falling stars. And the silver moon that poured cold light down on us permeated my chest.

I could see the moonlight. I slowly raised my hand.

I would never be pulled by his whims again. No, I didn’t want to do that anymore.

“You’re doing something interesting.”

As I brought what I had been holding to my neck, his eyes widened. I slowly laughed.

“What if I were to die in front of you now?”

Castor spoke quietly.

“… I’m sure you know that returning to the past now would be meaningless?”

“So?”

He didn’t know that I had learned to recognise a lot of his reactions now. At least I thought so. I pressed the dagger onto my neck. I pretended as if I was about to speak before slicing my neck.

Clatter.

But as if I had lost control over my hand, my hand froze. Castor, who had turned completely away from the man, was now looking at me with a terrifying gaze I had never seen before. I could see the golden colour of his eyes in clarity. I asked him what he was doing with my gaze as he smiled calmly in response.

“Ah. So, my life is worth trading with yours.”

I looked at my frozen hand before speaking. A thick golden haze was swirling around him like a mist. Was there a reason why he couldn’t let me die? Or was it because it bothered him? It didn’t matter either way. I was going to die but he stopped me.

“I’m not interesting. You, who treat lives like they’re some plaything, and me, who is bringing a knife to my neck.”

I glared at him.

“You’d better not even think about having fun using that man’s life.”

“Ashley.”

“Stop talking about the trivial truths.”

I raised the corners of my lips and laughed.

“You did say you already knew about my regressions so I’ll say this.”

Castor asked if I had been curious about the truth. If I asked him to tell me, I knew he would smile happily and try to use it against me like a weapon. Because that was what he had been doing all this time. I held my hands tightly.

“If I die here, I’ll return to a month ago. And I’ll come back and save that man.”

“If you fail?”

I smiled at his low voice. It sounded as if he was trying to warn me. Even though I was afraid, I overcame it. The only thing that scared me was what had happened in the past.

“I’m going to die again.”

I smiled for a moment before saying.

“In front of you.”

I was not playing with him anymore.

“So, if you don’t want to see me die, put down your sword.”

“Are you going to give up your life for one soldier?”

“Yeah. I am no longer going to do as you please.”

Logically, it would have been better to submit to Castor and hear the truth. I knew that. But I guess I never became an adult. Would it be more interesting if I die? My numerous deaths and my hatred towards him had made me a child who couldn’t handle matters maturely. I could bend over right away and become a doll that just leaned on him for support. If I just pretended to be an idiot and smiled softly, everything might be fine.

But, I could only laugh. What was the point of living like that?

Was there any value in the truth that Castor was telling me? Instead of living after hearing the truth from him, I would rather stand on my own than walk into his hands myself. Even if the path I would end up walking on was so thorny that they would break my legs or bleed them out.

“There’s nothing you can do even if you go back to the past.”

He whispered sweetly to me as if I was some child. It was funny. I had no choice but to grimace at how my insides twisted at his voice.

“It’ll be enough for me as long as I don’t get to see your face right now. As long as I don’t get to hear your voice.”

I spat it out.

“Because that’ll be utter heaven.”

I thought he would have thought of it as just some meaningless threat. But I wondered why he looked so ruined. I laughed slowly at the face I had never seen before.

“It’ll be meaningless.”

“Alright. You can say that what I’m doing is meaningless.”

If I were to draw a trajectory of how my past was, the graph would just plummet. And what was waiting at the end would just be a pool of blood. I seemed to have returned to the 10th Day of the Month of Habermia. There were countless bodies in front of me, including my maids.

“What do I mean to you?’

Why was he looking for that answer? The dagger I was now pointing at my neck was the same one in the original novel. Castor had hid it for some reason until Rusbella discovered it a long time later. The dagger that would later stab Castor would was now pointed at my neck.

The dagger was in the same spot as what was written in the original novel. Rubella must have come here. She had to. As if I had been chewing sand this whole time, the voice that burst out of me was filled with a fiery passion.

“I will decide the meaning of my life. I don’t need anything you give me. I’ll discover the truth. You should just disappear from my life.”