I Should Have Just Died
chapter-145-30041322

The temperature difference between Alyssa’s going through the day and night was clear. Days and nights, pretending not to know anything, pretending to be okay, and taking over Seidrick’s business.

Alyssa’s night was full of dark melancholy and the byproducts of even more soggy emotions.

Alyssa, who had her face buried in the pillow, got up. She can’t sleep. At the end of the day, she was immersed in the frustration and regret that always came. It just spins round and round like a squirrel on a wheel. Alyssa carried out her schedule and moved without a break, but she was rotting in it.

There’s no way she’d be okay with seeing Seidrick.

Every moment she sees him, she goes back and forth between heaven and hell. She seemed to be hesitating, standing between happiness and unhappiness, with nowhere to go.

However, Alyssa could not make any decisions. Only one fact is becoming clear.

That she has to leave.

Alyssa’s trembling purple eyes turned outward. Her eyes were empty, and she had no emotion.

It’s like she was going to crumble right away.

She no longer had any regrets in this mansion.

No, there were many regrets left, but it should be counted as none. That was the way for everyone. It’s quiet now, but if she’s a member of Cambridge, they can’t help thinking of Kendrick when they see Alyssa. And she will also chew on the past while staying in Cambridge and seeing them unable to break free from their sorrow.

Besides, Seidrick…

Alyssa tapped her fiery heart. Her heart is pounding and feels like it’s about to burst. Now, just thinking about him keeps her heart beating anxiously. Why is it that even her own changes come to him with sadness?

Sid has always been Alyssa’s happiness and joy, but now it’s hard to think of him.

Alyssa’s eyelids trembled.

‘…why am I alive?’

A fundamental question shook Alyssa.

Even if she crumbles and disappears like this, there seems to be nothing to regret.

Actually, she’s been thinking like this before. And yet… Why is she still alive? When she comes out of the bullying of the royal family, when she realizes that she has Sid in her heart…she may, in fact, have hope for life. A hope that Alyssa should not dare to embrace…

Alyssa’s pale lips parted. The words that came out were words that even she could not have guessed.

“I’m….. like a beggar.”

If she were an elegant noble lady, she would never use the word, and Alyssa would never say the words that can express her feelings that much.

After surviving the day pretending to be fine, she collapses like this.

Like a sandcastle, it builds up and collapses, builds up and collapses…

If she repeated this process countless times, all the sand might be washed away, leaving nothing behind.

Isn’t it too hard to repeat life like this?

It was only now that she felt that death, which she had been pondering over countless times, was touching her feet.

‘Let’s go… Alyssa, let’s leave.’

No more lingering feelings.

***

Recently, Sasha’s heart has always been a thorny road.

She’s never been comfortable since she got to know Alyssa. Why do things like this always happen to her master? After learning that Seidrick had deceived Alyssa, she gave up too. Little by little, Alyssa’s desire to be happy here was erased.

As Alyssa said, she thought it might be better for her to leave.

She is pitiful even with those who would be the first family to her.

But strangely, Alyssa was still. She had no problem working with Seidrick and caring for Cambridge.

She seemed to eat well and sleep well. Is that why Sasha let her guard down?

Alyssa spoke the words in a very gentle voice.

“…Sasha.”

“Yes?”

“I’ll have to ask Maria to find a house.”

Alyssa smiled.

It’s like she can’t stand it any longer. In those dry eyes, Sasha read the profound truth in her master. Alyssa wasn’t fine. It was just pushed aside by the situation, and she just endured it. She was forced to the ground, and she had to let go before Seidrick’s condition worsened.

If her, even her, collapses, who is the only one holding up this place? Alyssa is also the Duchess. It was only now that she knew that Seidrick had been holding on because only Alyssa could hold Cambridge in the meantime while he was absent.

Alyssa’s hand was trembling.

“…a house, you mean?”

Sasha asked in a strangled voice.

“Yes. Just… a comfortable home. A small, cozy and comfortable house. To feel comfortable even when I am sitting still, to eat comfortably….”

She knows what Alyssa is talking about. Sasha hesitated, then she reached out to Alyssa. A slender body, hidden by the huge desk in the office, leans against Sasha’s form. Sasha hugged Alyssa tightly.

“…I’ll look for it. They will be everywhere.”

A place that will be Alyssa’s home.

Alyssa closed her eyes.

***

The revolutionary corps accepted Alyssa’s request.

It was meant to be accepted in the first place.

“…Aren’t Cambridge coming out more aggressive than you think?”

Dania tilted her head.

Seidrick that Dania knew was not like that. He had already accomplished his purpose, so he would have chosen the slower and safer route. Because when the aggressive tendencies become prominent, people may turn their backs on the revolutionary group.

“I know.”

“But, it’s not a bad choice. It was the second most expensive place after the central temple. If these two places are blocked, there will be fewer places for the national treasury to leak.”

“Isn’t the king bringing in new money and giving it to the heresy faith?”

Carabella laughed.

The king’s obsession with eternal life is not to be taken lightly. The madman believed that heresy would make him live forever. So there is no obsession with his bloodlines.

He had been so stubborn all his life that there was no way for him to change suddenly.

Just because they destroyed two temples.

“It must have a purpose.”

“What is its purpose? Previously, it must have been to get Kendrick back.”

“Second is……”

Carabella bowed her head.

“You will find out, Dania. Go see Alyssa Cambridge.”

Dania agreed.

That’s why Dania came to Cambridge. The mansion, which was slowly regaining its vitality with the light energy, was gloomy and wet at some point. Dania hesitated and rang the doorbell.

She passed through the open gate with a clunking sound.

It’s like walking into a swamp on your own.

Dania struggled to smile.

It was a house she had visited recently. Finally, after a month of hearing that Kendrick had returned, she ran. How much did she cry then? She came here intending to see Kendrick and stay with him all day. It was something she had never done before after Kendrick’s death. It was also an action she wanted to do but couldn’t. Dania stayed by Kendrick’s side as if to repay him.

For the first time since then.

Dania tried to smile as brightly as possible.

She waved her hand towards those who came out to greet her. And Alyssa was also mixed among the employees.

“Alyssa!”

Dania naturally hugged Alyssa.

“It’s been a while, Dania.”

Alyssa smiled brightly.

“How have you been?”

“Of course. I seem to be missing out on you. Why? Is Seidrick making you upset?”

“No way.”

Alyssa shook her head. As it was not good to inform the state of the Master’s condition externally, Cambridge decided to postpone an official announcement about Seidrick’s illness and remain silent for a while. It was because the morale of the revolutionary corps could be broken.

“Then what happened?”

“Nothing. But what’s going on? Without a message.”

Alyssa turned the subject.

Actually, Dania was not someone who came to visit so suddenly. She is someone who will always contact her before arriving, but today was too sudden. At Alyssa’s question, Dania quietly silenced her words.

“Ah… that’s it. I don’t think that’s something we should talk about here.”

Alyssa nodded her head.

It was the office where Alyssa took Dania. She looked at the papers on Alyssa’s desk with hawk-like eyes. She must have known that, until recently, Alyssa’s desk was full of manuscripts. But now…

‘Status of iron ore holdings.’

‘An overview of the shipbuilding business.’

There were the same things that the usual Seidrick would see.