I Should Have Just Died
chapter-48

And finally, the Cambridge mansion fell into silence again. At the end of the feast, all family relatives returned.

Alyssa stood by the window and watched all of the guests leave, sweeping her mouth with her dry fingers. She stayed in the room like a ghost, and she was a little thinner than before. She skipped meals because it was not digestible.

“…Madam.”

At Sasha’s call, Alyssa turned her head.

She frowned after calling her…

Alyssa’s skinny body, which had little sense of life, stood out in the sun like a famous painting. It seemed that it would disappear upon contact with the sunlight. Sasha swallowed a hot spit.

“Madam, have a meal.”

Alyssa stared at the tray that Sasha dragged in.

“I can go to the garden today, right?”

“Yes. The great Madam said it was okay now that all the guests have left. So, have a meal. I will make my way out.”

Sasha said earnestly. Those who stared at Alyssa with a cold, dry gaze disappeared. She was told by other maids what had happened in the banquet hall. Thanks to the softening atmosphere these days, it was possible that some people talked to Sasha often.

Bad people.

It’s annoying because she can’t eat with a single person.

She couldn’t express herself in front of Alyssa even though she swears so much. Alyssa will just say that they are also victims. After being persecuted by the royal family for a lifetime, now she was here too…

Sasha’s lips trembled.

However, as Alyssa sat down to eat and opened the spoon, she could not shed tears in front of Alyssa.

As she was preparing for the banquet, Alyssa, who had a lively face, dried up and twisted.

“…If you come after walking, it will be a little better.”

Sasha prayed earnestly that the magical garden would show its power again this time.

She doesn’t know what Alyssa is thinking.

‘I should have just died…’

As a child, or before that, when in her mother’s belly.

Alyssa was thinking about death.

***

Winter is the time for all life to hold their breath and wait for spring.

The garden was dry enough to be desolate. Every time Alyssa passed by, she couldn’t hear anything other than a whisper. The rustling sound of her shoes stepping on fallen leaves echoed in her ears.

Alyssa’s thick fur shawl tickled her chin.

Even though the cold wind was blowing on her nose, it felt warmer than inside the mansion. Alyssa hugged herself with her hands.

If she gets a little better, more misfortune will come to Alyssa.

Like pushing her out of this world.

‘There is no place for me to stand anywhere…’

Alyssa’s throat was hot.

Even though Alyssa thinks that she has hardened her heart to the point that she won’t be hurt anymore, she breaks down like this every time. How far in the world must Alyssa collapse before the sky stops playing this cruel game?

Alyssa sat by the lake, raised her knees, and buried her face over it.

No matter what she puts in her eyes, she is not happy.

Or maybe it’s because her selfish expectations were broken.

She was told that he would be away, but she expects that she will meet the odd gardener if she comes here.

The person who listened to Alyssa’s story with his blunt face and comforted her with his words, her self-confident expectation is the only hope that he will be here now.

Alyssa sighed sadly.

She saw a clear lake in her purple eyes.

She knew it was the winter lake’s bleakness, but now that she sees it, it feels more noticeable.

Is the water a lot cold?

She heard that the lake’s water is deep, but will it be as cold as this? If you go in there…

That thought came to her.

Only

“Madam.”

Had it not been for the voice that called her, she might have thought more deeply. Alyssa turned her head. It was the gardener who had neatly turned gray hair behind her that called her. It was the first time she saw it.

“Oh, hello. I thought nobody was here…”

“It looks like I’ve been interfering with the madam’s rest. I apologize if it was rude.”

The grey-haired gardener took off the hat he was wearing against his head and lowered his head. As if disconnected from the world, his first appearance and a cheerful smile made her aware of his personality. He wasn’t the one who would curse Alyssa just for hearing rumors.