/n/jackal-among-snakes-1520/c-450
chapter-449

Anneliese entered into a shabby old hut by the oceanside. As the door shut behind her, memories that she had long ago forgotten came rushing back. She and her mother had lived here, for a time. The little Anneliese walked to the center of the room, carrying the fish. She hung it up on a rack, where various implements for cleaning fish rested just beside. And there, back in the corner of the room on the bed, was Anneliese’s mother. She was unmoving, deep in sleep.

The door shutting behind Anneliese jolted her back to awareness. The little Anneliese, meanwhile, walked to some logs. They were nearly as large as she was, but the little girl crouched down, gripping them with her tiny hands that already bore some calluses. She dragged them across the ground quietly, looking toward her sleeping mother again and again to be sure she was not roused. When they were in the fireplace, she gathered some kindling, and then a flint and steel. She struck the flint, again and again, both implements larger than her hand. Feeble sparks barely dyed the dry grass black, but the kindling never caught aflame.

Anneliese walked over and lit the fire with a simple spell. She saw the small version of herself widen her eyes, and open her mouth as though it was the coolest thing imaginable. She didn’t forget to look back and whisper, “Thank you very much.”

Anneliese crouched down beside her past self. The little girl kept her white bangs over her eyes, and a forgotten memory flooded back—Anneliese had kept her bangs like this to hide her eyes from her mother, Kressa. Hiding her eyes helped her avoid inspiring a foul mood.

Anneliese knew there was a puzzle she was intended to solve here, but her own curiosity drove her forward. “Why are you doing this?”

Little Anneliese looked back to her mother, and then to the fire. “I light the fire to warm mommy, and to get cook ready. Then, I gotta gut the fish, and unscale… no, descale it. Then, I gotta make a soup.” She counted on her fingers as she ran down the list. “Mommy eats the soup—I eat later. And then, I gotta get the wet laundry from outside, and put it by the fire. But if I put it too close, the clothes go black. Mommy hated that last time.” Her fingers traced a bruise on her arm—obvious hand marks. “After that, I gotta—”

“Why is your mom making you do all this?” Anneliese asked.

“Shhh,” little Anneliese held her finger to her mouth. “You’re angry. You can’t wake up mommy.”

That the little her could read her emotions better than she realized surprised Anneliese, and she looked over to the sleeping figure once more. How old had she been at this time? Five, perhaps, maybe a little older? Veidimen children grew larger than humans, so that sounded about right.

“Is your mother sick?” Anneliese questioned, whispering this time. The little Anneliese shook her head, white hair whipping about quickly. “Then why are you doing all of this alone?”

Little Anneliese blinked innocently, eyes barely visible behind her bangs. “I’m supposed to.”

“Why?” Anneliese pressed, the fire crackling in the silence that came after.

“Mommy told me,” little Anneliese said. “And everybody else says… I should listen to my parents.”

A memory came back, unbidden. She was a child again, looking up at her mother who seemed tired from carrying wood. Kressa cast a few logs down, then looked to Anneliese bitterly. You do it, she’d said, utter resentment on her tongue. You can do me some good. Not that it’ll make up for your birth.

Anneliese blinked, feeling nauseous. “What else do you do?” she asked quietly.

Little Anneliese raised her hands, counting again. “I wash the clothes, the underwear, the blankets, I go fish with the old misters, or help carry things for the farm men. Oh! I also—”

“Not those things. What about things for yourself—things you want to do?” Anneliese pressed.

“I want to do this,” little Anneliese insisted. “Mommy doesn’t like me. I knew already, but she told me a few times. And sometimes she loves me. She holds me tight, and she cries, and she says she’s sorry. I like those days.”

“Isn’t it hard?” Anneliese swallowed, her throat feeling like it had a rock in it.

“Mommy says that pity—” she stopped, having bit her tongue. “She says that pitying yourself is useless. She said that, no matter what she does, I can’t pity myself.”

Little Anneliese left words unspoken, but they came rushing back as memories. You don’t deserve to pity yourself, Kressa would say.

Anneliese rose to her feet, feeling like a veil around her had been shattered. She had been so proud of this creed of hers—proud enough she’d boldly shared it with Argrave. She’d told him that self-pity does nothing for no one. She thought it a strength she’d found—a power that she’d clung onto to cure all of her misfortune.

But it was a phrase her mother had given her, all for the sake of justifying her beatings, her reckless neglect. And the others in this village… they all knew. But just as they knew, so did they fear to welcome a Veidimen child into their home. She remembered craving help, seeking it, but most of them insisted that she should remain with her mother.

And looking down at this girl, she saw a girl that covered her eyes with bangs to avoid being hit because her mother didn’t like their color. She saw a girl with a mother who utterly resented her, yet gave small and infrequent drops of affection to keep some lingering hope alive.

Looking down at herself, Anneliese saw a broken girl who wanted love, but never got it.

Anneliese had forgotten about this girl, forgotten who she was. She’d forgotten the longing to be saved, and the utter lack of any reprieve no matter where she went. When returning to Veiden, things had become better by a small margin, and so it was all too easy for her to shut away that past.

Anneliese knelt down before the old her, once again. She tried to keep the sadness from her voice as she said, “You know, your mommy doesn’t need you to do all of this stuff today.”

The sheer joy and confusion that lit up on little Anneliese’s face was so infectious. Perhaps little Anneliese knew she was lying, could see it in her face… but the girl so desperately wanted help that she was willing to believe even lies. Her eyes grew bright enough to shine past her bangs, and her smile showed brilliant teeth. “Really?”

“Really,” Anneliese repeated, brushing back the girl’s bangs to see her eyes. “How about… we go outside? I could teach you how to read. I could teach you how to do this,” she said, conjuring a snowflake in her hand.

Little Anneliese reached out, gingerly taking the snowflake with utter awe on her eyes. After a few moments, she looked up, like all the troubles she carried were gone. “I wanna see,” she said longingly. “But…” she looked back to her sleeping mother.

“Don’t worry about that. If your mother says anything… I’ve got your back. And I’m bigger than her.” She stood up tall. “Let me carry you.”

Anneliese took herself in her arms, rising to stand. The little girl looked around with wonder at this shack, like she’d never been carried before. She looked so happy, so excited, as she delicately handled the snowflake that had been conjured by magic. She looked like the child she was meant to be. Anneliese pushed open the door and stepped outside…

Where endless whiteness greeted her.

Anneliese looked to where she’d been carrying the little Anneliese. Strangely, she felt immeasurably sad. The girl was gone. But as she pondered it more, answers came to her. No—that girl wasn’t gone. She was standing here, today. And for the first time in perhaps her whole life, Anneliese allowed some small amount of pity for herself.

Then, she spotted someone. Tall—a little taller than her. Black hair, black as night, almost the opposite of hers, dropping by his shoulders. Unblemished white skin. Gray eyes as steady as stone. He had a smile on his face as soon as he saw her, and in those eyes… there was love for the unloved girl. Far more love than she knew what to do with.