Kill the Sun
chapter-98

Nick absentmindedly left Dark Dream and walked to the hotel.

Without talking to anyone, Nick entered his room and fell onto his bed.

And just stared at the ceiling.

For several minutes.

Nick felt like he was thinking about something, but he had no idea what he was thinking about.

He just kept looking.

And thinking.

About ten minutes later, Nick turned to his side and looked at the wall.

He still wasn't sure what he was thinking about.

'I didn't want to work, and now, I don't have to work.'

Silence.

'I don't know.'

'I don't even know if I am happy that I don't have to work or not.'

'Now, I'm just lying here, doing nothing.'

Eventually, Nick closed his eyes.

'I don't care anymore.'

'I'll just go to sleep.'

Time passed.

30 minutes later, Nick opened his eyes again.

He hadn't fallen asleep.

He had just slept for about eleven hours, and his body didn't need nor want sleep right now.

Nick felt like he was wasting time by staying in bed like this.

But his legs just felt so heavy and difficult to move.

Also, what was the point of going out?

After eating something or talking to someone, things would just return to this state anyway.

All of these things were just momentary distractions between periods of pain.

Doing any of these things wouldn't change anything.

Why stand up and do things?

So, Nick just kept lying in his bed, not knowing what he was thinking about.

Time passed.

Nothing was happening.

Nothing was changing.

Nick noticed some trash on the ground.

It was annoying him.

But it felt like such a momentous task to clean it up.

'I can't even clean up my own room,' Nick thought.

'It's bothering me, but instead of cleaning up, I just keep lying here.'

Silence.

'I'm a failure.'

'I'm a burden.'

'I'm a murderer.'

Silence.

Nick's back bent, and he pulled his knees to his chest as he lay on the side.

He felt like his chest was tensing up.

'I'm pathetic.'

Time kept passing.

Nick's mood didn't improve.

Eventually, Nick had to go to the toilet and drank a bit of water.

After standing up, Nick didn't want to lie down anymore.

Instead, he just sat on his bed.

Minutes passed in which Nick was just looking at the ground.

Nick kept thinking about Horua and kept remembering that he didn't need to worry about him for the day.

There was nothing for him to do.

There was nothing that he wanted to do.

As time passed, Nick's emotions became louder, and he wanted to let them out.

Sadly, he couldn't let out his rage, or the entire room would break.

And when he remembered how he felt after crying yesterday, he also didn't dare to cry.

If he had simply kept all of his emotions inside, he wouldn't be feeling like shit right now.

Crying had been a mistake, and he wouldn't commit the same mistake again.

So, Nick was just stuck with his current emotions.

And they just kept festering inside of him with no way out.

Eventually, Nick started to hear kids playing outside the hotel.

Compared to the Dregs, the Outer City had more children, and they were also happier.

It was normal for the kids to start playing between eight and nine a.m.

This meant that two to three hours had already passed.

Nick had wasted the entire morning just staring at the wall and the ceiling.

And nothing had improved.

He felt just as horrible as in the morning.

As the playing of the kids grew louder, Nick's feelings started to change.

He became angry.

Here he was, feeling horrible pain and guilt, and outside, kids were happily playing while adults were happily going about their lives.

The bright light from outside seemed to burn the proverbial darkness in the room.

Nick clenched his fists in rage.

It was so unfair!

He was feeling so horrible, while others felt so good!

He hated it!

He just wanted everyone to shut up!

He just wanted everyone else to feel the same pain he was feeling!

And yet, Nick knew that he wouldn't truly do anything like this, which made him feel even worse.

He wasn't being a nice person right now, but he also wasn't decisive enough to be a bad one.

It was just a shitty middle ground.

Being in this room sucked!

Being outside sucked!

Being awake sucked!

No matter what he did or where he went, it didn't matter!

It was all the same anyway!

Nick curled up on the bed as he violently grabbed his head.

Why was everything horrible?

Why was his job horrible?

Why was the city horrible?

Why was life horrible?

Why was he horrible?

Nick couldn't find anything good about his life.

Although, there was one thing.

Sleep.

Nick just wanted to sleep.

During sleep, he wasn't feeling these things.

But he needed to wait twelve more hours, at least, until he could go to sleep again.

Eventually, Nick felt his eyes become wet again, but as soon as he noticed, he burrowed the urge to cry.

He had seen what had happened the last time, and he wouldn't do that again.

Nick pushed all the things he was feeling back, deep into the most remote corners of his mind.

After some minutes, Nick slowly sat up.

With an absentminded look, he stared at the wall again.

The playing coming from outside was so loud.

He felt like his entire world was shaking.

Nick's heart rate and his breathing sped up.

'Things can't keep on going like this.'

Now, Nick knew what he was thinking about.

Sweat started to break out across Nick's body.

His eyes focused on the wall.

His lips trembled.

The playing from outside was so loud but distant.

His room felt so grey and devoid of meaning.

Nick gritted his teeth and clenched his fists.

"I…" Nick said slowly.

Nick felt like his heart was banging in his ears.

"I…"

"I wish…"