Turning
chapter-383

"Mick and I… we only briefly discussed abilities. Come to think of it, why didn't you tell me beforehand that he was an Awakener?"

"He doesn't like to openly admit that he's an Awakener. But it seems he couldn't deceive the assistant's eyes, could he?"

"I couldn't possibly not notice, as he kept observing me with that ability."

"Really? What did he say?"

Yuder hesitated for a moment.

"He said… there are many holes in my core."

"Holes?"

Kishiar faltered for a moment. He seemed to be trying to understand what he had heard, furrowing his brows, but as his eyes met Yuder's, they slowly unfolded again. His expression was as bright and beautiful as ever, with a smile that was no different from before. But beneath it was a layer of caution that was incomparable to the past. He asked, slowly but gently enough that Yuder wouldn't feel threatened.

"I can't quite… guess what he means. Did Mick tell you what it means?"

"It didn't seem like a metaphor. He said it doesn't look dangerous, so there's no need to worry, perhaps..."

Yuder hesitated because the memory of the numerous gaps and the pain of realizing them had come to mind.

That pain was most akin to coldness. Although he knew it wasn't actually cold, when he thought about the holes somewhere in his chest, it felt as though all warmth was disappearing around him.

It's very strange not to know what was once there but is now gone. He only forgot about it because he tried not to think too deeply about it.

Yuder could not fully guess what would have been in those holes inside him. Whether it was a memory, emotion, why it had disappeared, or what would happen if he could fill it all.

But he thought it was okay. There were many more important things in the world.

Yet, despite his assurance that it was alright, Kishiar's observant gaze did not change a bit. He kept his silence for a long time, studying Yuder's expressionless white face with a cautious and persistent eye.

The familiar yet unfamiliar sense that overcame Yuder when he realized that he was being observed, even though he was hiding something, made him feel strange.

'Ah.'

The absolute barrier that had protected his defenseless self, not being able to see after capturing the giant Pethuamet. And the gaze that he could feel but not see when he was within it. That sensation, which he hadn't felt since he started seeing again, was now returning.

When holding the invisible him in his arms and feeding him, applying medicine and rebandaging, when secretly climbing a tree as if no one was in the world. Had Kishiar been watching him like this all those times?

With eyes that were so blindly trusting and yet so tender it hurt.

His heart throbbed violently. It was a sensation akin to pain, but it wasn't cold.

"Why are you looking at me… like that?"

"No. It's nothing. I was just thinking that I need to ask Mick a little more about it."

When Yuder asked with a slightly suppressed voice, the emotion Kishiar had shown was quickly hidden as if it had never been there. Yuder stared at the familiar eyes that expertly rearranged emotions, then impulsively opened his mouth again.

"Commander. But if I were to say that I wasn't surprised, since I already knew about it... would you believe me?"

It was a rather incoherent statement, even in his own mind. Even though Kishiar was generous towards him, he thought Kishiar might take it as a joke. But Kishiar didn't laugh. He simply glanced at Yuder and asked curtly.

"Is that so? How?"

"Just... It's my body, so I naturally came to know."

"Has it been that way from the beginning?"

He was silent at those words, then shook his head.

"And yet you say it's not dangerous?"

"It's not a life-threatening injury... I don't feel like I'm in a critically dangerous state, just like Mick said."

Kishiar was silent for a long time. After quite a while, he quietly opened his mouth.

"Have you heard exactly what Mick Shuden's ability is?"

"He only said it's an ability to see the essence inside the shell."

"He sees the essence embedded in the subject's flesh. It's usually something one might call a soul. He was the one who confirmed for me that my vessel has healed since the day of awakening."

Although anything alive could be said to have a soul, Mick could see the essence even in non-living things. Kishiar muttered that it might be seen as a suitable ability for a merchant, picking out good items for trade, but there was no amusement on his face.

"Even if your soul wasn't originally in such a state, now that it has so many holes, it doesn't seem good even if it doesn't threaten your life. But I must be thankful that I heard it directly from you now, thanks to meeting Mick Shuden."

"..."

"I'll look into the matter myself. Will that be okay?"

Yuder didn't know exactly what Kishiar meant by looking into the holes in his soul, but he slowly nodded his head. A faint smile finally appeared at the corners of Kishiar's mouth.

"If there's anything else you want to say, I'm ready to listen at any time, so speak comfortably without doubting the listener's trust. About that hole, or anything else, it's all fine."

"...Yes."

To talk about the holes within him, he would inevitably have to mention the lost memories and emotions. That was still Yuder's deepest secret that he couldn't utter.

But the moment Kishiar's whisper reached his ear, Yuder unknowingly felt an urge to say something. Not even knowing what he wanted to say, his throat, lips, and tongue were incredibly dry and tingling. That urge, barely suppressed, reminded him of the time when he was blind and longed for and wanted to reach out to Kishiar.

He unwittingly parted his lips slightly and then closed them again. Instead of revealing his secret, he thought he would like to touch the smooth and pale cheek and eyelashes in front of him, just like when he had taken advantage of his blindness to touch the man.

It was truly ridiculous, but his mind was filled with that thought, and he couldn't think of anything else for a moment.

And in that moment, as if reading Yuder's will, Kishiar twitched one eyebrow.

"When you stare so ardently... I somehow want to interpret your intention as I please."

Yuder was silent. Simultaneously, Kishiar's eyes changed as well. The air took on a different color in an instant.

"I feel like rewarding my assistant for speaking honestly, so I'm thinking of coming over to you now. If you don't like it, stand up and go call the servants to clear the table."

That sentence reminded Yuder of a conversation once held in front of the Commander's office door.

Yuder cautiously looked down at the approaching white hand, filled with a force that could not be denied.

Naturally, Yuder did not stand up this time either.

The approaching man grabbed both sides of the back of Yuder's seated chair and lowered himself. As the man's smooth face approached, as if to look into each other's eyes, Yuder's awe and repressed longing flared up surprisingly strongly.

Unable to bear the blatant expression reflected in Kishiar's eyes, Yuder closed his eyes, and a deep kiss began, as if it had been waiting. Through the mingling lips, more explicit and sensual than before, Yuder felt a satisfaction greater than what had been desired. When coming to senses, Yuder's arms had somehow ended up around Kishiar's neck. As Yuder tried to lower them, a white hand reached out, holding the clasped arms, preventing them from being released, and delving a little deeper.

It was still as sensually tingling as the back of the head and as addictive as one could not escape. However, the shock that was there at first was gone now. In its place was a sense of union that felt momentarily familiar and had become more concentrated and profound beneath a seemingly calmed surface.

Drinking in the breath that flowed between the lips, Yuder felt the heat that resonated dully within.

'... Maybe Enon was right.'

The desire that incessantly nudged might be considered abnormal, but it might not be.

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