Damn Reincarnation
chapter-345

Stepping back gracefully might have been a choice. Ciel’s feelings belonged to those first borne by a 13-year-old girl. Moreover, there was a saying: First love often remained unfulfilled.

So, she could've consoled herself, saying it was inevitable, and moved on. Ciel knew she was no longer the child she once was.

There was a transition from being a child to an adult, the process called aging. It involved learning through various experiences, the time one lived, and the years left ahead.

Going forward, she might realize how insignificant the emotions she harbored as a child were. She could have sought solace in the thought of inevitability. If she deemed it a matter not meant to be, despite it being her first love, then even if she cherished those feelings…. If the other built affection with someone not her, then perhaps….

She didn't want to label such things as victories or defeats.

But what if she was forced to acknowledge it as a defeat?

She was still young, and the world was vast. Maybe someday….

Maybe, just maybe.…

"What…?"

But Ciel Lionheart didn’t desire such consolation. First loves often remain unfulfilled? What nonsense were they talking about? Sure, some might bitterly murmur these clichéd, trivial words.

But Ciel did not think that way.

Who was to say that the feelings of a 13-year-old were trivial? Why did the time ahead matter more than the time past? Did it matter more because there was more time left ahead of her? Utter nonsense.

If anything, the longer life she had to live made relinquishing her current feelings impossible. Through her experiences and coming to better understand the world, she found conviction in her feelings. With age, her emotions had only deepened. As an adult, she deeply cherished the feelings she'd held since childhood.

Thus, she couldn't settle for mere consolation. The emotions she'd built from their first encounter made Ciel believe in their destined connection.

First love? That he didn't reciprocate her feelings and love her? Choosing someone else over her?

Defeat?

Tears streamed as Ciel gritted her teeth. Victory or defeat? Above all, Ciel couldn't accept such a notion.

From the start, Ciel Lionheart had never truly fought, not even once. In fact, she had never even truly confronted Eugene. True, Ciel was still young, and the world was vast. But there was one thing she was sure of.

In a realm where time felt expansive, she knew that in the many decades or centuries she might live, she would never again harbor emotions as pure and desperate as those she'd felt when she was but a 13-year-old girl on the cusp of adolescence. No matter how vast the world was, the possibility of encountering someone superior to her first love seemed unfathomably slim.

Pretending to be haughty, engaging in playful mischief, or letting out a sly smile offered no aid in moments such as this. If one's feelings were pure and desperate, the display had to be equally fervent.

Please look at me, please don't abandon me.

Even if it was pitiable and wretched, she had to cling.

Pitiable and wretched. Was it really?

Not in the slightest.

Ciel felt no ounce of shame in the tears she shed or the desperate cries she let out. She had no intention of preserving any semblance of dignity, nor did she wish to stand idly by while offering a docile smile. She had resolved to fight, to thrash and wail in the mire of her emotions.

And she did just that.

"What about it?" she demanded.

What did he just say?

"Reincarnation?"

It wasn't long after Eugene uttered that word that Ciel responded. Merely a few seconds, though it felt like an eternity to them all.

Kristina, Anise, and Sienna were utterly bewildered. The two Saints might not have known everything about Ciel, but they were well aware of Miss Lionheart's pride, her haughty demeanor, and her mischievous nature.

To see her weeping and lamenting was enough to leave them in disarray... but to bring up reincarnation, not to anyone else, but to Ciel? To someone he had known since childhood?

‘Or maybe it’s…,’ Sienna swallowed hard while glancing at Eugene. Though she knew little about Ciel, suggesting reincarnation at this juncture seemed a wise move. The young lady's heartbreaking cries were too painful to bear.

But if she were to find out that the object of her affections was not her lifelong companion but the reincarnation of a hero from three hundred years prior, perhaps she'd accept the clichéd "It's inevitable" reasoning. After all, it wasn't a lie and couldn’t be helped.

"You're the reincarnation of Hamel?" Ciel asked.

Of everyone in the room, the weight of time seemed heaviest on Ciel. Hamel's reincarnation, he said. The moment she heard those words, a cascade of memories from the age of thirteen flooded her mind. It was an almost unbelievable revelation. Yet, strangely, Ciel didn't doubt it. The idea of reincarnation alone cleared many uncertainties she held about Eugene.

"So... what of it?" Ciel spat while clutching her chest.

She bore no skepticism. Eugene Lionheart, whom she had known for eight years since she was thirteen, was the reincarnation of a hero from three hundred years ago — Hamel.

"Just because you are that person, does it mean you're not the Eugene Lionheart I know?" Her tear-filled inquiry left Eugene visibly stunned. Ciel continued, gasping for breath, struggling against Eugene's grasp on her wrist. She declared with unwavering certainty, "It matters not whether you've been reborn. You are Eugene Lionheart. It was as Eugene Lionheart that you came into my life."

He hesitated, "But—"

But Ciel cut in, "You once said it wasn’t me who loved you first. No, I don’t see it that way. Because to me, you are not Hamel but Eugene."

It might have been a feeble argument. But Ciel wasn't bothered by that. From her earliest memories, she was one to obtain what she desired by any means necessary. And at that very moment, or rather, throughout the entirety of Ciel Lionheart’s existence, the man before her was what she desired the most.

“So….”

She reached out, grasping Eugene's shoulders once more. Tears had blurred her vision, and the heartfelt words she had spoken earlier made her breathing ragged. Her heart ached, feeling as if it had been utterly consumed by flames. All that was left was a pile of ashes.

“So.…”

She hesitated momentarily as she searched for the right words.

Humiliation?

“See me,” she pleaded while lowering her head.

It definitely wasn’t.

Eugene was at a loss for words. He didn’t simply see Ciel as a sister. If he had to put it in words, she was merely a kid, a child he had known since she was little. And that child now pleaded with him to not see her as such any longer!?

“I….” Eugene didn’t know what to say.

From Ciel’s perspective, Eugene had always been gazing at something in the far distance. But the distance she had felt wasn’t limited only to his gaze but to him as a whole person. Eugene himself felt distant from Ciel. Now, she finally understood why he had treated her and her twin as mere children.

She continued, "I am right here."

Eugene Lionheart was lost in memories from three hundred years ago. He was prioritizing a bond forged in a distant past.

She forced out in a broken voice, "I’m here with you as well." Her voice was hardly elegant; crying had strained it, making it raspy.

"Coward," Ciel muttered, her eyes red and swollen. She forced a smile, "Stop running from the present, Eugene Lionheart. Even if you were Hamel in your past life, now…. Now, you are Eugene."

He remained silent, absorbing her words.

"All you've said feels cruel and cowardly to me. After all, you never truly responded to my feelings," Ciel pleaded desperately.

Eugene closed his eyes, a whirlwind of emotions coming out as a sigh. The emotions that didn’t escape weighed heavily on his tongue. He realized that saying nothing at that moment and avoiding her gaze was indeed the act of a coward.

“I….” Eugene slowly opened his eyes. His voice wavered, hindered by bloodshot eyes brimming with tears.

Although Ciel's words varied in tone, the emotions laden in each phrase always weighed heavy, even piercing, feeling as if they tore him apart.

"I've never looked at you that way before," Eugene said.

Ciel’s eyes wavered.

"I might've noticed you looking at me that way, but I've never felt the same. Telling me not to flee from the present…. Ciel, such words seem cruel to me," Eugene whispered.

Ciel's shoulders quivered, trembling with suppressed emotion.

Eugene continued, "Because in my past life, I was a fool. I died like one... and as if that wasn't enough, I was reborn. I don't even know why I was granted another life. But when I learned how the world had changed after my reincarnation, do you know what I first thought?"

Eugene forced a bitter smile and shook his head.

"It felt like shit," he admitted, pausing for breath. "When I died as Hamel, I thought I had settled all my regrets, but that wasn't the truth. I was a coward, fleeing from challenges that became insurmountable. Now given another life, how can I… turn away from my past?"

Ciel furiously wiped away her tears.

"Perhaps my answer seems cowardly to you. But that's who I am. As you said, I am now Eugene, but I am also Hamel. That is why I can’t share the same feelings you hold," Eugene replied firmly.

"I…. I don't care," Ciel whispered, tears once more rolling down her cheeks. "Even if that's how it has been all this while, starting from today, or tomorrow, or even from now on...."

She couldn't finish her sentence. She covered her mouth with her hand, trying desperately to stifle her sobs. Her heart felt shattered, emptied of all emotions. Her cries broke free, no matter how hard she tried, for her hands were too small to keep them in.

“Ah.… Uwahh.…”

Why?

Why did it come to this? Why could she not have what she desired the most? Why could she not hear the answers she sought?

Ciel's heart-wrenching sobs echoed through the silent room. Watching her, Sienna's eyes, too, began to glisten with tears. Trying to keep her own emotions in check, she tilted her head back and attempted to divert her thoughts. However, even the legendary Archwizard couldn't stop the flood of tears that threatened to spill.

But Sienna wasn't the only one weeping, for a sea of tears had long since formed within Eugene's cloak.

Raimira was incessantly rubbing her eyes while shedding torrents of tears, while Mer bit hard into the hem of her dress. Tears were streaming down her face, but she managed to keep her sobs silent.

“It... doesn’t matter," Ciel whispered again. She could do nothing but repeat her words. "Even if you've never looked at me that way, even if you don't share my feelings, I…. I don't care."

She had braced herself for this moment long ago, thinking she could bear it all.

"But please... please, do not... despise me—" Ciel's voice broke, and she couldn't finish her plea.

Despise? The mere utterance of the word was so unexpected that Eugene's eyes widened in shock.

"Wait, Ciel, what in the world—" Eugene couldn't even finish his sentence.

Crash!

A shattering noise echoed, causing everyone to startle and look up.

"Saint Rogeris?"

Beneath Kristina's feet, the smooth marble floor had cracked.

Thud, thud, thud!

As Kristina walked, shards of stone stuck to her shoe soles fell away. They left deep, clear footprints as Kristina approached Ciel with long strides.

"What in the—" Ciel, too, was interrupted.

Slap!

A fierce slap turned her face to the side. All present were stunned, their mouths agape. Eugene, in particular, was so alarmed that he grabbed Kristina.

"Why would you strike a child?!" he shouted.

"What did you just say?" retorted Kristina.

"What?" Eugene was baffled.

"Sir Eugene, repeat your words," Kristina said in a dangerously quiet voice.

"No, why are you hitting a chil—" Sensing danger, Eugene didn’t finish his sentence. The tense atmosphere made his body react instinctively.

Whoosh!

A sharp slap narrowly missed Eugene's face.

"Did you dodge?" Kristina asked sternly.

"Wait—" But Eugene was interrupted before he could say much.

"Do not avoid it."

It was unclear whether it was Kristina or Anise. In truth, it didn't matter who it was. If he dodged, the retaliation would only be worse.

Swish!

Another slap turned Eugene's head to the side.

"Lady Ciel is not a child," Kristina declared with an eerie glint in her eyes.

[Oh, God above…,] Anise, who had been crying silently, instinctively sought the heavens upon witnessing Kristina's unexpected act.

"And Lady Ciel," Kristina's head snapped around.

Ciel was staring at Kristina while holding her stinging cheek. She could not comprehend why she had been slapped.

"No. Ciel," Kristina spoke with a soft yet commanding voice, then took long steps towards her before asking, "What are you doing now?"

"What…? What do you mean…?" Ciel asked in a daze.

"You have insulted me,” declared Kristina.

Insult? Ciel struggled for a response, her lips merely quivering. No defense or counter came to mind.

Kristina glared at her and continued, "It's blatant arrogance and insult resulting from it. You also ignored me. You acted as if your love for Eugene now, not the Hamel of the past, was all that mattered."

"But—" Ciel tried to argue, only to be shot down immediately.

"If this isn't an insult or neglect towards me, what is it?" said Kristina.

"Did I... say something wrong? Saint Rogeris, aren't you also looking at the Hero, not Eugene? Besides, you believe that Eugene has been reborn—" Again, Ciel couldn't finish. A sharp slap met her cheek.

"You're mistaken. Even though it's not worth arguing, Ciel, your crying seems to have clouded your thoughts. Because Eugene looked at me as a person, not the Saint. I also look at him not as a hero but as Eugene. Reincarnation? I don't bother with such matters. I, Kristina Rogeris, love the current Eugene Lionheart."

"Why…? What did I do wrong that you should strike me!?" Ciel shouted while gripping Kristina’s collar. She had already been devastated, but the Saint had slapped her twice to add insult to injury. "Yes, I may have insulted and ignored you. But...! There's no reason for you to hit me...! I... I knew Eugene before you. I was the first...!"

"You were the one who just watched," Kristina said with a smirk. "Yes, you've seen “Eugene Lionheart” since he was a child. But that is all, isn’t it? You ask not to be treated as a child, but right now, you're crying and throwing a tantrum just like one. Foolish."

"Saint Rogeris...!" Ciel warned.

"Of course, as a compassionate Saint, I won't disregard your wish. As you've wanted, I won't treat you like a child." Kristina's lips curled up into a smile. "So, I mock you as an equal. What did you do while Lady Sienna was sealed? What did you do before I met Eugene? Maybe you always pushed back your feelings, thinking someday, later. Oh, I see, Ciel. You were scared, weren't you? Scared of confessing, in case the sibling bond disappeared."

Ciel's face paled.

Looking into Ciel’s tear-filled eyes, Kristina whispered, "What did you lack? You lacked courage. That's why you're here now, crying and clinging. Your arrogance and fear made you lose Eugene."

At these words, Ciel lost her rationality. In a fit of emotion, she slapped Kristina. Although Kristian could have avoided it, she didn't. She didn't need to. From the moment Ciel's hand touched her face, Kristina was enveloped in a protective light.

"What…? What...!" Words failed Ciel.

"What’s wrong? Are you angry?" Kristina asked with a smile.

Angry? Of course, she was. She was furious to the point of madness. What stoked Ciel’s fury even more was the fact that Kristina's words were true. Tears spilled down Ciel’s eyes as she took ragged breaths.

"So, will you give up?" Kristina asked.

"Sh…. Shut up!" Ciel whispered.

"So you don't want to give up, is that it?" Kristina’s mocking smile vanished. Warmth infused her previously icy voice. Of all those present here today, she had resonated the most with Ciel’s words. "You don't want to lose to a distant past you barely know, do you?"

Ciel looked at Kristina as she voiced Ciel’s inner thoughts.

"You yearn for him to see you here and now, don't you?" Kristina asked as Ciel’s eyes widened listening to those words.

"Regardless of who stands by his side, you wish to stay with him, don't you?" Kristina continued with another question.

Ciel could no longer keep her hand on Kristina's collar. Stumbling backward, she collapsed onto a couch, finally mumbling, "It's only natural…."

"If that's truly how you feel, merely asking not to be disliked won't suffice." Kristina reached out to Ciel. Thinking of the stinging slaps she had received earlier, Ciel instinctively took a defensive stance. But there was no slap this time.

"You must make him love you." Kristina clenched her fist in front of Ciel with pride. "Not just plead to not be disliked. You must strive to make him love you."

"Saint Rogeris...?" Ciel was perplexed at this sudden declaration.

"Wrong." With a resolute expression, Kristina shook her head. "Call me Sis."

"What...?" Ciel thought she must have misheard.

"Call me Sis, Ciel." Kristina then opened her clenched fist and used that hand to lift Ciel up. "Let's go to my room."

"Why?" Ciel asked, still shocked.

"We have much to discuss," Kristina said simply.

Without waiting for Ciel's reply, Kristina forcefully dragged her. Ciel’s resistance was futile against her uncharacteristically firm grip. Sienna, who had been empathizing with Ciel's emotions and crying bitterly, was suddenly startled by the sound of a slap and the ensuing reproach.

Gathering herself, she attempted to follow Kristina and Ciel.

"Do not come, Lady Sienna,” shot Kristina.

"Eh...? Why?" Sienna asked bemused.

"You've known Sir Eugene since his past life, haven't you?" Kristina said sarcastically.

Sienna was met with a piercing gaze. Then what about Anise? Sienna wanted to blurt it out, but the stern look of the current Saint forced the legendary Archwizard, who had lived for three hundred years, to quietly remain seated.