I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell
chapter-187

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The Addict IV

- Is it painful?

The anomaly spoke to the fetus.

- Do you still want to be born despite this?

Its voice sounded strangely kind.

That alone was peculiar. Originally, all gestures of anomalies were merely awkward imitations. Nevertheless, this anomaly managed to pretend to be human quite skillfully. It mimicked the appearance of a human, adopted their voice, and imitated their movements.

- The outside world is full of lives like this.

Splash.

The anomaly unhesitatingly thrust its forearm into the amniotic fluid and stirred it.

- ......!

Then, the water forming the fetus flickered with various colors.

The surface of the water acted like a television screen, and across it were images, flowing as if a movie film were being projected.

Scenes of Jeong Seo-Ah’s mother in agony, of her father, stressed out from running a bakery. Of uncles, aunts, distant relatives, grand-uncles, and grandmothers. The scenes of the 'bloodline' of those connected to the small fetus Jeong Seo-Ah suffering were being broadcast.

“Hieeek. These are not ordinary images,” Fairy No. 264 whispered softly beside me. “Those are undoubtedly the unhappiness and pain they would have felt when they didn't take dopamine...! Each color contains dense emotions...!”

Life, aging, illness, death.

Things that were originally erased by dopamine in the real world, from the most trivial misfortunes of humans to the most dreadful ones, were all transferred to the fetus.

After completing the transfer, the anomaly shuddered with a sigh.

- Jeong Seo-Ah.

- ......

- Even after this, do you still want to be born into this world?

Thump.

The heartbeat that supported the fetus's dream weakened. The rhythm slackened and the sound diminished.

Yet still, the heartbeat continued. The will to live, which had lasted for 25 weeks, had not been abandoned by Jeong Seo-Ah.

However, the anomaly's words were not yet finished.

- Of course, there is a way to avoid such suffering.

The anomaly caressed Jeong Seo-Ah.

- You can take dopamine too.

The fetus's body jolted violently.

- Then you can pretend there is no such thing as the prevalent misery and pain in the world. Just like your mother. Like your father. Like everyone else living in this world right now.

- ......

- Why should you have to bear the crushing blow? It's not your fault the world is like this. You were just born. You can just pass it on.

Once more.

- But if you do that, you'll be the first generation to do so knowing the truth of it all.

Drip, drop.

The water that formed the fetus's body also started to diminish.

Like old skin shedding, droplets fell from the surface of the amniotic fluid. They were tears. A fetus, yet to develop limbs and features, knew no other way to cry.

We deduced outside that "the size of the fetus gradually diminishes until it disappears." The truth of it, however, was different. The child made of water was simply disappearing by shedding tears.

- Yes. You made a wise decision.

The anomaly touched its tongue to the droplets that fell from the fetus. Then it lapped up the water like a hamster in a cage.

- You don't need to bear it. There's no reason to endure unhappiness yourself or pass on sins knowingly. So...? Right?

The anomaly that was drinking the amniotic fluid tilted its head.

- This isn't a dream.

At that moment, the anomaly's right arm was cut off. A strike from my sword cleanly sliced away its forearm.

- Ah.

Thud.

The severed forearm turned into water in mid air and spilled onto the ground. Only then did the anomaly, mimicking Jeong Seo-Ah’s face, glance to the side at me.

Fairy No. 264 chose that moment to flee with a gasp. Really, it was useless in combat.

- ......!

However, without a glance at the fairy, surprise spread across the anomaly's face. It looked as if it recognized me, a reaction that seemed genuinely human.

- Undertaker?

"Do you know of my existence?"

- If even the old-timers here don't know, it's time to close shop.

"You speak well for an anomaly. Your tongue flows like an eloquent scholar's, as if you possess intelligence."

- Ahaha.

The anomaly laughed. Its laughter was exceptionally realistic. The voice echoed through the dream's darkness like that of a truly innocent child.

- Because I am human! Of course, I possess intelligence!

"Is that so? You’re not an anomaly but a human?"

- Yes, yes. Because we...

The anomaly spread its arms. The arm I had severed had already regenerated.

- We feel pain and unhappiness.

Like the Pietà, the anomaly cradled the fetus.[1]

- Obviously, we are more human than those fake ones outside who no longer feel pain, unhappiness, or responsibility, and don't want to feel it.

I opened my mouth and then closed it. The logic structure alone was genuinely human.

- Only those who are more unhappy, who suffer more, are cherished as human beings by you, aren't they?

More miserable families, more pitiful environments. Scarier teachers, harsher companies, more tyrannical nations.

Humans loved to compete over the depth of their unhappiness—something only humans could do, could be capable of.

- You have lost the qualification to be human.

In this era filled with dopamine, it was what humans had lost.

- Now, we will become the new humans of this era.

I chose that moment to look at Jeong Seo-Ah in the anomaly’s arms and say, "In a world where no one is born?"

- Dream. Reality. The only difference is the layer.

Indeed. So the new human race would unfold within dreams.

At that moment, I thought I knew where the unborn children were headed.

However...

"You're wrong."

I raised my sword as I spoke.

"Not everyone is taking dopamine,” I argued. “Therefore, you cannot strip humanity of its qualifications."

The anomaly furrowed its brow, as if considering it a wordplay.

- That’s because of the Sword Marquess’s fields, the logistics network doesn’t apply to the whole of humanity. But surely you know, as a self-proclaimed anomaly expert? Talking about 'reality' with us is meaningless—

"Noh Do-hwa."

The anomaly flinched.

"She doesn't take dopamine,” I said. “Before they even knew there were side effects like you, she refused to take dopamine."

- ......

"If you know my name, you must also know about Noh Do-hwa, and that she doesn't take dopamine. Am I wrong?"

The silent anomaly soon ground its teeth.

- ...That woman is an oddball. An outlier. She can't represent humanity.

"In a sense, I agree."

I swung my sword again. Once more, the anomaly’s arm flew off.

"But as for the latter half, I do not. She alone can represent humanity."

This time, the severed arm did not regenerate. The anomaly’s argument crumbled before the evidence of Noh Do-hwa.

- Urgh!

The anomaly stepped back as if trying to flee somewhere, but this was my dream. Entering might have been easy, but leaving wouldn’t come free.

Swish!

I immediately slashed my sword, cutting off one of the anomaly’s legs. The anomaly fell backward in its attempted escape as I simultaneously grabbed Jeong Seo-Ah.

The anomaly looked up at me.

- N-no...

The anomaly trembled.

- Please don't kill me. I don't want to die...

I had cut down countless anomalies, and even cut down humans. Those with mouths, tongues, and vocal cords often begged for their lives before my blade.

I did not listen to them.

I had lived long enough to know that merely being born and looking human did not make one human. Let alone an anomaly that only imitated humans.

Yet.

"Why?" I found myself asking, abruptly realizing something. "Didn’t you tell Jeong Seo-Ah the same thing? That the world is full of pain and misery, with bombs passed down from above. So why beg for your life?"

- That’s...

The anomaly's words trailed off.

The once fluent arguments ceased. The tongue was still. The expression vanished.

But the eyes.

The anomaly’s eyes were fixed on Jeong Seo-Ah in my arms. I noticed a sort of envy, perhaps even longing, in that gaze.

“......”

Right.

If this anomaly had continued to speak eloquently as it had before, I would have swung my sword without hesitation. It didn’t. A being that longed for life, despite bearing and chewing through pain and suffering, refusing to escape through death—such a being, I couldn’t easily cut down. Especially not when a certain old man did it so easily.

However, I knew what I had to do. I also knew how to do it.

This emotion would subside. My hand would advance. The anomaly would be exterminated.

In ten seconds, I knew it would be done.

But.

But still.

“I have something to ask.”

I lowered my sword.

- What...?

“If you claim to be human, you should answer this.”

Jingle.

A bell rang in the dark space. The sound came from the bracelet on my wrist.

A ‘Silver Bell’ hung there.

I held the namesake of my alias ‘Undertaker’ up to the anomaly and asked, “Do you want to escape from hell?”

Originally, Time Seal only worked on humans.

The reason was simple. The other party had to agree to the use of the ability by saying, “Yes, please use that ability on me!” It was a contract of sorts, and as such, using Time Seal on non-human species was almost impossible.

Most anomalies merely imitated human thinking and language. They did not truly understand. They couldn’t sign a contract of consent.

But.

"Do you want to be at peace forever?"

- ......

"I can make you relive the happiest day of your life forever. If you’ve lamented about bearing the misfortune of many people, you can imagine how sweet this offer is."

If there truly was an anomaly that thought of itself as human...

If that anomaly, through some process, somehow really understood human thinking and language...

"In return, you will be forgotten by all humans. No one will remember that you ever existed."

- ......

"Except for me."

If such an anomaly existed...

It could naturally be sealed in the tombstone of time.

- Ah.

The anomaly murmured.

- No matter how happy the dream, if you argue it’s just an illusion...

"You said dreams and reality are no different, so you contradict yourself."

- Indeed. It’s a checkmate.

The anomaly murmured.

- So that’s it. If I say no here, I give up being human. If I agree, I get exterminated.

The anomaly looked at me, it gaze quiet.

- What a cruel human you are.

"I asked a question."

- Truly cruel.

When a human ended their own life, it was called suicide. Then what should it be called when an anomaly voluntarily got exterminated? Should it not also be called suicide?

- ...I’ve only dreamt of a miserable life.

The anomaly’s gaze turned to the sky.

- Though I spoke of pain as the human condition, I never wanted to be miserable. I wanted to live happily, like the humans outside.

That skyward gaze lowered to peer at Jeong Seo-ah in my arms, then downward still to see itself in the form of Jeong Seo-ah all grown up.

- Now, I want to live a happy dream. I am human.

I nodded silently.

Jingle.

The moment the Silver Bell rang for the last time, the anomaly in Jeong Seo-ah’s form burst apart. Its body turned into a black liquid that spilled onto the floor. On the wet floor stood a transparent crystal tombstone.

Indeed. I was the first to witness an anomaly die by suicide.

There is an epilogue.

"Dopamine? What’s that?"

Once the anomaly was subjected to Time Seal, people naturally forgot all about dopamine. It wasn’t just their memories that were lost either.

"Dang Seo-rin, don’t you see the rice covering that plain?"

"Huh? What are you talking about? It’s just a wasteland."

"......"

People couldn’t perceive dopamine at all. Even if opium rice grew right before their eyes, even if the grains were refined and presented, they only saw empty air.

For the past two years, the fact that no newborns were born was considered a 'very strange event.' Nobody remembered it was chaos caused by dopamine. Not even the Saintess or the Sword Marquess.

"What do you think, Ah-ryeon? Do you feel a sudden burst of happiness or anything?"

"N-not at all. I feel the same as usual."

More surprisingly, forcing dopamine on others had no effect. The crop that was once expected to save human civilization, something everyone carried and consumed, had been forgotten. Now, I was the only person left who knew about dopamine.

"Hmm."

The event of the Sword Marquess discovering and bringing dopamine wouldn’t even happen in the next cycle.

I felt a bit bitter and, while giving Noh Do-hwa a ride, asked this question.

"Captain Noh Do-hwa. Suppose there’s a food that supposedly makes you happy without any side effects."

"Hot, fried chicken, you mean...?"

"Whatever... Would you eat it?"

Noh Do-hwa adjusted her glasses. The dangling chain jingled hysterically. "Why are you asking something so ridiculous...? Would others eat it too...?"

"Yes."

"Hmm..."

She was on her second night of staying up. Pressing down on the dark circles under her eyes, she said, "If it were just my portion, I’d eat it all up... But if everyone eats it, I probably wouldn’t...?"

"Why not? Everyone else is eating it."

"Hmm... I guess because I’m a hipster who gets upset if my unique thing becomes mainstream?"

I nodded immediately. "Indeed." It was a very convincing reason.

That was why I couldn’t understand what happened next.

"No, Captain. Why are you suddenly hitting me on the head?"

"Just because it annoyed me that you actually agreed with my nonsense..." she grumbled.

"It was nonsense?"

"What else could it be? Damn, how do you see me...?"

Noh Do-hwa shook her head and put down her teacup, her tone turning more serious. "If everyone takes that mysterious happiness pill, someone has to avoid it to prepare for contingencies."

Hmm.

Given that was the very reason I was able to corner the anomaly, I had nothing to say. Even so, I had to ask, "For an uncertain preventive measure, you’d give up certain happiness?"

"What are you saying, damn... Since you came to me, my life has been summarized by that sentence... Do you seriously not realize that?"

"Certainly."

I resolved to give Noh Do-hwa more rides in the future.

A second epilogue.

One day, after cleaning up the remnants in the lowest layer of the dream within a dream, I found myself on the second floor of the dream. That floor changed its scenery every time I dreamed, but one thing always remained constant: there was a crystal tombstone in a corner of the landscape.

'Now I even have graves in my dreams.'

I touched the tombstone as a test. Usually, when I fiddled with the surface of the tombstone, the 'happiest day' of the human sealed inside would unfold like virtual reality. So now, the happiest moment of the dopamine anomaly should be reproduced―

Something quite surprising happened instead.

"Do you want to escape from hell?"

- ......

"Do you want to be at peace forever?"

In the anomaly’s dream, the scene of our confrontation was repeating.

I blinked blankly. Why?

- Ah.

It was obvious upon reflection.

The anomaly known as dopamine had no 'happy memories.' It had lived off human misfortune until it was exterminated.

Thus.

- I’ve only dreamt of a miserable life.

- Now, I want to live a happy dream.

This was the only happy memory for the anomaly.

- I am human.

Jingle.

In the dream within a dream, the anomaly left those words as its final will and burst apart.

Just before it died, the anomaly had a broad smile.

To this anomaly, the happiest day was its moment of suicide.

"......"

I watched the anomaly endlessly repeating its suicide in the dream, reveling in happiness, and I had to admit it to myself.

There was an anomaly here that was human—excessively human.

Footnotes:

[1] La Pietà is a marble sculpture created by Michaelangelo depicting the moment Jesus was taken down from the cross and given to his mother, Mary.