Turning
chapter-607

‘I felt more drained just from talking than I did after training for three days straight,’ he thought. By the time he finished speaking, the darkness outside the window had given way to a faint light. The tea in his mouth had grown cold. Yuder murmured, weighed down by fatigue.

"Do you know why I felt the need to share this story now?"

If anyone understood what he wanted to convey, it was probably Kishiar, perhaps even better than Yuder himself.

"Is it to warn me not to become the same person as before?"

His response didn't disappoint, but it was more aggressive than Yuder had anticipated. Yuder felt the need to soften his words.

"You might know this, but even after starting the new game, I couldn't trust the Commander for a long time. Who do you think made me speak up?"

Facing the man who probably knew the answer, Yuder declared, "It was you."

It was the unwavering trust and faith he had shown first. Emotions they had never shared before. Because Kishiar had shown his honesty and desire first, Yuder felt he could reciprocate.

The biggest difference between his past life and now lay there.

Hiding his tumultuous feelings, Yuder continued, "I am, admittedly, quite ambitious. I have never lost to anyone out of sheer willpower."

Yuder's ambitions weren't directed toward money, jewels, precious swords, or greater power. They were always about his own strength, discovering more effective training methods, and ways to win in battles.

But just because his desires differed from others didn't mean they were any less intense. Yuder never gave up on what he wanted.

And now, it was time to pour that determination onto the only person who had ever truly ignited Yuder's ambition.

"This story was the secret I intended to keep until the very end, my final barrier. As you once said, since you've broken down all my walls, shouldn't I do the same?"

"..."

"I've laid myself bare, so now, Commander, show me your 'real' self."

Yuder had seen enough of Kishiar's flaws. He had witnessed the pain the man hid, his ruthless and secretive side, and even the moments when he reached the limits of his patience.

That's why Yuder wanted all of Kishiar. He believed he had every right to know the very core of the man.

'Of course, it won't be easy.'

He didn't expect to get everything he wanted right away. But that was okay.

"I'm not asking for everything right now. Just as you did, I'll wait until I break down all the barriers to get what I want."

Yuder curled his lips into a smile. It was an awkward and peculiar expression, but Kishiar couldn't take his eyes off him.

"I wish you had just scolded me. This feels even worse."

A bitter smile appeared on the man's face.

"If you had asked for the most beautiful and perfect parts of me, I would have given them to you. But you want the opposite. What am I to do?"

"That's why I said I'd wait. I'm not very confident in this area, but once I learn something, I never forget. I'll do my best."

Kishiar covered his eyes with his hand, letting out a long sigh. The youthful vigor that once adorned his face through the use of magic had now been replaced by a fleeting expression of deep fatigue and anxiety.

Yuder realized that he had finally achieved what he had longed for.

"...That's all I wanted to say. If you wish to punish me now, I will accept it graciously."

"You asked for everything from me just a moment ago, and now you're asking for punishment."

"Well, that was then and this is now."

Yuder had pondered the reaction he would receive after confessing to the killing of Kishiar in a past life.

What would the man say upon learning the truth?

Back when Yuder knew little about him, he had assumed he would be banished and met with negative reactions. As a result, Yuder had thought it best to keep this secret for the sake of what lay ahead. However, after getting to know him and developing feelings for him, even the thought of revealing the truth made Yuder's blood run cold and his chest tighten with anxiety.

But what about now?

Having revealed everything, Yuder felt an eerie sense of emptiness and calm within. The only thing that filled that void was not a whirlwind of agony, but his own resolve towards Kishiar.

"...If someone has to take responsibility, it should be the person who died in the previous life, stepping forward himself."

As he looked into Yuder's determined eyes, Kishiar finally murmured,

"But from my perspective, even if he had been here, he probably wouldn't have sought to punish you. Especially speaking from my current position, where nothing has yet happened."

"That is…"

"Do you think I’m speaking too lightly without fully understanding? That's not the case."

Kishiar calmly replied, as if reading Yuder's inner thoughts.

"Think about it. If, as you said, the vessel was already cracked at the time of the Red Stone retrieval mission, then Kishiar from back then was in a condition where his death at any moment wouldn't have been surprising. Honestly, it's more shocking that he even survived for two more years. Being assassinated, at least, would have left a body behind, so in a way, that could be seen as a better fate. Even if I didn't know, I would probably have felt the same."

His words seemed cold for talking about his own past life, but there was no wavering in Kishiar's gaze.

"So, don't ever speak of it again. Just make sure the same thing doesn't happen twice."

His words implied that he wouldn't hold Yuder responsible for his death in the past life.

Yuder felt a weight lift from his tense shoulders and back.

"...Aren't you upset, though?"

The Kishiar from his past life had faced a harsh failure. A failure that was nothing short of disastrous when compared to Yuder's own. It was hard to believe that he would be unfazed by losing everything and dying.

"Yes, I am upset. But not because of something that happened in a life I don't even remember."

Just as Yuder was about to ask 'why then,' Kishiar spoke first.

"Wasn't it hard for you?"

"...?"

"Joining the Cavalry right after starting anew, and eventually ending up by my side. It must not have been easy."

The question seemed trivial, yet for some reason, Yuder found it difficult to respond immediately. Perhaps it was because of Kishiar's gaze.

"I never thought it was… hard."

Kishiar mused with a hint of self-reflection, "If I were in that position, I probably wouldn't have given someone like me a second chance. Not even a fraction of kindness, let alone a laugh. I would have kicked him out every time he tried any tricks."

Although he didn't physically kick anyone, Yuder felt a pang of conscience for having done similar things.

"What's wrong with the Commander?"

Kishiar confessed, albeit with a touch of self-derision, "He might look handsome, but he's actually quite sly. Even as I say this, I find myself relieved to have been given another chance, holding onto the hand I've grabbed, coveting it to the point where my head feels like it's on fire."

His voice was both soft and cool as he honestly shared his feelings.

"If I say I want to hold you even in such a situation, it would still be strange, wouldn't it?"

"There's nothing strange about it," came the assured response.

"You say that because you don't know the expression on your own face."

Yuder raised his hand to touch his face.

"...Is there something wrong with my face?"

Kishiar's eyebrows seemed to relax, and he reached out to touch Yuder's face with a smile.

"No, there's nothing wrong."

"..."

"May I come over now?"

Yuder nodded, and Kishiar moved closer, embracing him tightly. As they leaned their heads on each other's shoulders and breathed, tension melted away bit by bit, their body heat mingling and warming them both.

Finally, it felt like he had properly reconnected with Kishiar.

A soft voice resonated over Yuder's head, his eyes closed.

"It felt like a cold wind was blowing through my heart."

Though his tone was gentle, like a lullaby, the words themselves were not.

"I hated the thought of sleeping because it felt like everything would fade away, like you would disappear in that cold wind. A dulled blade is of no use, after all."

"..."

"It's funny, isn't it? I used to think being able to dull my senses was a strength, but now I don't want to be numb."

Kishiar's labored breath flowed over the shoulder he was leaning on.

"This is precisely why I kept going over it secretly, why I couldn't sleep, why I used magic tools to hide my facial expressions."

It was almost laughable.

His chest felt heavy. Yuder tightened his arms around Kishiar and lowered his head.

"I also hesitated a long time before bringing up today's conversation. Even though I admit my guilt, I was afraid to step out of the current situation. I was cowardly."

He looked so pathetic and foolish that he almost wanted to mock himself.

"If it's laughable, then my current state is even more so."

"But that means you've grown fond of me, hasn't it? That's a good thing."

"Should I return those words to you?"

"You got me there."

Daylight had fully arrived outside. Distant noises of early risers could be heard. Normally, it would be time to wake up and get moving, but Yuder signaled with his eyes, tapping on the arm that was holding him.

"Although you may have further thoughts after what I've told you today, let's continue next time. For now, go to sleep."

"I'm not sleepy. Just a little longer like this..."

"Go to sleep."

He didn't say it a third time. Yuder stood up first and helped Kishiar to his feet. With a short laugh that made his nose wrinkle, the man followed Yuder's lead into the bedroom.

Yuder laid him down and even pulled the blanket over him, then sat beside him. This reminded him of a similar moment before they had left the Great Sarain Forest.

"Am I the only one sleeping?"

"I've slept far more than you, Commander. Naturally, I should go out and train, and to prepare to leave."

"So, this is the real punishment."

Even though he said that, Kishiar closed his eyes obediently. He was holding Yuder's hand.

His breathing gradually became even, but Yuder did not let go of his hand and continued to watch him. Though he said he would leave soon, he couldn't let his guard down, as Kishiar was particularly good at deception.

As he looked down, the conversation they had shared began to slowly circle in his mind. The words that lingered the longest were, of course, the ones he'd heard near the end.

"Was it not difficult for you?"

Those were the only words spoken even after hearing of his own demise.

A sensation, somewhat different from before, began to constrict deep within his chest. Yuder swallowed that feeling and turned his head, catching a glimpse of his own face reflected in the glass window.

The man with black hair wore an expression of profound exhaustion, one he did not recognize.

For some reason, Yuder felt like he understood why Kishiar had spoken about his face.